Post your fav Joke [Archive] - Page 2 - The macosxhints Forums

ArcticStones

09-17-2007, 07:49 AM

.
We all know that it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1degree Celsius.

Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 g's) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalised.

Allowing for the 1200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalising process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza, and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

If you adhere religiously to this pizza, beer, and ice cream diet, then you should be thin very soon.
.

hayne

09-17-2007, 09:02 AM

.
Allowing for the 1200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5000 calories

The only problem with this calculation is that food "Calories" are actually kilo-calories ! So the food Calories in that dessert translate into 1,200,000 energy calories.
See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Food_energy

I guess that is what makes your post funny (and hence appropriate for this thread).

cwtnospam

09-17-2007, 09:05 AM

The only problem with this calculation is that food "Calories" are actually kilo-calories !
That, and the fact that those calories are then absorbed back by the body as the digestion process continues. ;)

ArcticStones

09-17-2007, 12:50 PM

I guess that is what makes your post funny (and hence appropriate for this thread).

Yeah, well, when I first read this bit of surrealism it really had me chuckling. Thanks for the Wikipedia quote, but I was surprised I sparked a debate about the diet’s viability. ;)

johngpt

09-17-2007, 05:12 PM

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalising process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.
That's probably why beer drinkers in the U.S. are so much thinner than beer drinkers in Europe?

ArcticStones

09-17-2007, 05:20 PM

That's probably why beer drinkers in the U.S. are so much thinner than beer drinkers in Europe?

Well, yes. But if the beer over yonder weren’t so chilled, drinking it would be a lot more like making love in a canoe. :D

cwtnospam

09-17-2007, 05:47 PM

Well, yes. But if the beer over yonder weren’t so chilled, drinking it would be a lot more like making love in a canoe. :D
If the boat's a-rock'n, it's not necessarily because of the waves! :D

NovaScotian

09-17-2007, 06:02 PM

Nothing wrong with making love in a canoe, and it's not tippy because you're on the bottom of the canoe. ;)

ArcticStones

09-17-2007, 07:04 PM

Nothing wrong with making love in a canoe, and it's not tippy because you're on the bottom of the canoe. ;)

It’s a reference to an old Monty Python joke...

johngpt

09-17-2007, 08:40 PM

Well, yes. But if the beer over yonder weren’t so chilled, drinking it would be a lot more like making love in a canoe. :D
Proud of me? I had resisted referring to the old saw about f****** close to water.

Felix_MC

09-17-2007, 09:04 PM

A few of the new error messages that were taken under consideration during the development of the Windows XP operating system...

• Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

• Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

• BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

• Close your eyes and press escape three times.

• File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

• Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

• Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

• Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

• Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

• Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

Felix_MC

09-17-2007, 09:44 PM

I've also just received this one via email from a friend of mine

So Bill Gates dies and meets St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter says "Bill, you know, that was some dubious s**t you did down there on Earth with Microsoft, but it's just about counter-balanced by the good works that the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation did, plus your old man, liberal that he is, put in a good word for you. So you could go either way, and we're going to let it be your call. You can go to either Heaven or Hell."

So Gates so, "Okay, but I can I see them both before I decide?"

"Sure!" says St. Peter. "But once you decide, it's for keeps. Let's start with Heaven".

So they go inside and Gates sees a bunch of folks lounging around, not doing much. You know, playing the occasional harp, snoozing on a cloud, reading books, that sort of thing.

Bill decides that's not his scene, so he asks to see Hell.

He knocks on the Gates of Hell and Lucifer immediately shows him in. Hell is a *MUCH* more swinging place than Heaven. Lots of video games, 72 virgins, champagne flowing freely, and not a Mac or a Linux box to be seen.

Gates is sold and goes back to tell St. Peter the bad news. *POOF*! He's back at the Gates of Hell and no sooner can he look up but seven demons grab him, drag him inside, and throw him head first into a pit of burning, stinking brimstone.

Scrambling back out, Gates demands to see Lucifer. "But, but, but," he coughs and stammers, this is *NOTHING* like what you showed me earlier!"

Lucifer replies "Oh, that. That was our demo."

NovaScotian

09-19-2007, 09:59 AM

Asked to punctuate the sentence: "A woman without her man is nothing".

Men say: "A woman, without her man, is nothing".

Women say: "A woman: without her, man is nothing".

johngpt

09-19-2007, 11:27 PM

From my great sister today:

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have gone something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later:
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"

roncross@cox.net

09-20-2007, 02:07 AM

Knock knock

ArcticStones

09-20-2007, 02:24 AM

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have gone something like this:

That’s great! I’ve read it before and it still makes me chuckle every time. :)

tlarkin

09-20-2007, 11:33 PM

I just heard this one the other day...

So, a finely dressed classy woman walks into a pharmacy, and walks right up the pharmacist. She looks at him and he looks up at her and asks if he can help her.

she says, "Yes, I need to buy some cyanide from you"

"Cyanide? What on earth would you need that for," he replied.

She responded, "I need it to poison my husband and kill him."

The pharmacist responded, "Are you crazy? Do you know how much trouble we would both get in? It would be traced back to me and we would both go to jail for a long time. There is no way in hell I am giving you cyanide!"

She promptly pulls out a photo of her husband and his wife in bed and shows it to him. he looks at the photo and responds, "Oh you didn't say you had a prescription."

johngpt

09-21-2007, 12:12 AM

Knock knock

Ron, were you waiting for one of us to say:

Who's there?

roncross@cox.net

09-21-2007, 01:01 AM

Ron, were you waiting for one of us to say:

Who's there?

Yes,

Nobody

specter

09-21-2007, 07:44 AM

Asked to punctuate the sentence: "A woman without her man is nothing".

Men say: "A woman, without her man, is nothing".

Women say: "A woman: without her, man is nothing".
Wow. Very inpressive:D

ArcticStones

09-21-2007, 08:08 AM

.
An old one:

Q: How many feminists does it change to screw in a light bulb?

A: That’s not funny!

Photek

09-21-2007, 08:11 AM

Q: How many feminists does it change to screw in a light bulb?

A: That’s not funny!

q: how many Irish men does it take to change a light bulb?

a: 100....... 1 to hold the light bulb and 99 to turn the room around.

johngpt

09-21-2007, 08:17 AM

Yes,

Nobody

Doh!!!!

Or as Rodney Dangerfield might have said,

Hey, I resemble that remark!

GavinBKK

09-21-2007, 11:29 AM

A mate sent me an sms and it said:

"i was in a supermarket the other day and I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread - it said "Thick Cut"....

My real fave gags are not reproducable here!

NovaScotian

09-21-2007, 01:05 PM

My real fave gags are not reproducable here!
My problem too. Not that they're foul, but they exceed the tolerances here probably.

tlarkin

09-21-2007, 01:32 PM

okay i was resisting this, but...

Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Punk rock can't change anything

Q: How many metal heads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100, 1 to do it and 99 to say slayer did it faster and better in 1984

Q: How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they prefer to write in their journal by candle light

Q: How many dead heads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They never change it, they just let it die then follow it around for 20 years

Q: How many hardcore kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2, 1 to change it and 1 to hold the other kids back pack

Q: How many Marxist does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the light bulb contains it's own seeds of the revolution

Q: How many christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they are really one

Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change it and one to write a folk song about it.

Q: What did one drummer to the other drummer?
A: Who cares, they are drummers

Q: What does a hot chick do to her ***hole before she goes to work?
A: She drops him off at band practice

Photek

09-21-2007, 03:51 PM

a woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the bar man gave her one.

two nuns in the bath, once says 'where' the soap?'... the other says 'yes it does.. doesn't it'

Felix_MC

09-21-2007, 04:09 PM

Three Microsoft engineers and three Apple employees are traveling by train to a computer conference. At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple employees buy only a single ticket.__"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft engineer.__"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple employee.__They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats, but all three Apple employees cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."__The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.__The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to do the same on the return trip and save some money.__When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple employees don't buy any ticket, at all.__"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer.__"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple employee.__When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a restroom and the three Apple employees cram into another one nearby. The train departs.__Shortly afterward, one of the Apple employees leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

ArcticStones

09-21-2007, 05:00 PM

...Shortly afterward, one of the Apple employees leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

That just goes to show that hopelessly delayed imitation sometimes reaps the rewards it deserves. :cool:

cwtnospam

09-21-2007, 05:10 PM

Yes,

Nobody
Nobody who?

ArcticStones

09-21-2007, 05:25 PM

.
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger.

She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said," That little gal is haven' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no.

He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."

ArcticStones

09-21-2007, 05:31 PM

.
Some bumper stickers and one-liners:

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

ArcticStones

09-21-2007, 05:55 PM

Worth a thought:

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

If its tourist season, why can't I shoot them?

Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why are there Interstate highways in Hawaii?

And last but not least: How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Felix_MC

09-21-2007, 06:34 PM

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
ArcticStones, why didn't you post that earlier? Yesterday my gf chocked on a pretzel at lunch, and I would have tried that 'hind-lick' maneuver (though I would have been gf-less afterwards)
Heres couple of funny links
http://www.emailgoodies.faketrix.com/pics-computer-jokes-funny-pc-humor-16-windows-hidden-settings.htm
http://www.xs4all.nl/~gelderen/micros/texts/jokes.html

09-21-2007, 06:53 PM

okay i was resisting this, but...

hey, you forgot a few...

Q: How many alcoholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One and a fifth.

Q: How many Zen Masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Yes.

Q: How many mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "Oh, don't worry darling; I'll just sit here in the dark..."

ganton

09-27-2007, 03:40 PM

(post edited by moderator)

09-27-2007, 04:11 PM

.
???
.
.

whatever - lol :rolleyes:

johngpt

09-27-2007, 09:59 PM

(post edited by moderator)

ArcticStones, thank you. My email notification of the post showed what the poster had said. Very unfunny.

Makes one wonder about some persons' thought processes.

Photek

09-28-2007, 05:28 AM

back on the topic of jokes...

did you hear the Scottish police has released the name of one of the Glasgow Airport suicide bombers.......

Sinj M'jeep.. :D

specter

09-28-2007, 05:39 AM

back on the topic of jokes...

did you hear the Scottish police has released the name of one of the Glasgow Airport suicide bombers.......

Sinj M'jeep.. :D
Ehm... Sorry, and can you explain this for not native-speaker?:o... I didn't understand if it is funny and why it should be. Maybe I don't know some additional info.

Photek

09-28-2007, 06:02 AM

Ehm... Sorry, and can you explain this for not native-speaker?... I didn't understand if it is funny and why it should be. Maybe I don't know some additional info.

if I am having to explain the joke that may take some of the humor out of it.... but basically a few month back a few Al Qaeda inspired nutcases drove a Jeep full of explosives into the front of Glasgow Airport... it didn't go as planned and the Jeep caught fire... as did the suicide bombers.. no one was hurt except for the suicide bombers (who were both doctors as it happens :eek:)

here is a pic....

http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/06_03/HosingDM0107_468x373.jpg

specter

09-28-2007, 06:14 AM

if I am having to explain the joke that may take some of the humor out of it....

http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/06_03/HosingDM0107_468x373.jpg
Well, of course, but at least I can understand the situation. It made me smile , anyway:)

ArcticStones

09-28-2007, 06:32 AM

.
A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are on a long trip, travelling by car.

They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer gladly accommodates them, but tells them that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn.

The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn." So, he goes out to the barn.

In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu. He says "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow."

So, the Rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn."

A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig, and there is a pig in the barn.

So, the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn.

A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door.
It's the pig and the cow...

ArcticStones

09-28-2007, 06:37 AM

.
Here’s some pitch-black humour

This elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died.

He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With his waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"

"They're for the funeral." she replied.

ArcticStones

09-28-2007, 06:46 AM

.
Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tallest tree says: "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

specter

09-28-2007, 07:01 AM

Hi, Specter!

I’m curious -- what are the Russians laughing at these days?
Could you post some good contemporary Russian jokes in the Jokes thread.

Best regards,
ArcticStones
Well, I can't remember many jokes, but I'll try to post them as soon as they come to my mind...
Well, the first is pretty old, but still it is funny:
A Russian, a German and a French men find themselves on the desert island. The stay there for a couple of days and become very thirsty and hungry. Suddenly one of them finds a magic lamp and a Jinn comes out. He thunders: "I will grant two wishes for each of you, hence you freed me from my years of imprisonment!" Thу three become very happy. They draw lots who will tell his wish first. The German wins. He says to the Jinn: "My first wish is an icy mug of best German beer, so I could quench my thirst. I'm nearly dying!''. Jinn gives him the best beer ever, he drinks it at one stretch and then says: "Now, take me home, mighty Jinn!''. The Jinn says a spell and the German disappears. Then comes the Frenchman. He says: ''Give me a bottle of best Chateaux-Bordeaux-Monteaux (ugh - whatever it is called in French:)) wine ever!''. Jinn gives him an antique bottle with finest wine. The Frenchman drinks it, and then says: ''Take me home, at once!''. With this words he also vanishes from the island.
Then Jinn says: ''Thou knowest what to wish, oh Russian?''. The Russian man scratches his head. He's thinking. Then he says: ''A good company it was! Give me 20 bottles of vodka and bring those two blokes back here!''

Photek

09-28-2007, 08:32 AM

that type of joke seems to work the world over.... In the UK it tends to be an Englishman, Scotsman and an IrishMan... the IrishMan always being the butt of the joke.

Sooo....

Englishman, Scotsman and an IrishMan are passing a childs play park when they spot a magic lamp.... the Englishman rubs it and out pops the genie...
The Genie agrees to give 3 wish's..... but as their are 3 men... they get one wish each...... The Genie suggest that the men should shout out what they want to land in whilst going down a slide....
The EnglishMan shouts 'GOLD!' and sure enough he lands in a pot of gold.
The ScotsMan shouts out 'SILVER!' and sure enough he lands in a pot of silver
The Irishman pushes himself down the slide and shouts 'Weeeee'.....

specter

09-28-2007, 09:03 AM

Well, it is typical for Russians to joke over some things that are really typical for our nation as a whole. The second popular character is a Chukchi man - don't even know why. Here's the joke:

Two Chukchi hunters are lost in the woods of taiga. They're starting to feel depressed, because the landscapes are absolutely unfamiliar. One of them tells the other: "Damn! We're lost! I think we should shoot so that people could find us!". The other hunter shoots. They continue to force their way through the thick woods. Then the first one says again: "Well, shoot once more, that will definitely help people to find us!". The other Chukchi hunter shoots in the air once again. Then after a while the first one repeats his words about shooting again.
- I can't shoot (answers the other)
- But why?!
- Well, I'm out of arrows...

Felix_MC

09-28-2007, 04:05 PM

Englishman, Scotsman and an IrishMan are passing a childs play park when they spot a magic lamp.... the Englishman rubs it and out pops the genie...
The Genie agrees to give 3 wish's..... but as their are 3 men... they get one wish each...... The Genie suggest that the men should shout out what they want to land in whilst going down a slide....
The EnglishMan shouts 'GOLD!' and sure enough he lands in a pot of gold.
The ScotsMan shouts out 'SILVER!' and sure enough he lands in a pot of silver
The Irishman pushes himself down the slide and shouts 'Weeeee'.....

I no the romanian version of that joke, but instead of gold, silver and 'wee', its gold, women without any articles of clothing, and 'poop' (the last guy trips over something before going down and he curses)

Another romanian joke. A englishmen, a frenchmen and a romanian guy were on a road trip around europe. After about an hour, the englishmen puts his hand out the window and says "We're in England". The Frenchmen asks "How do you know?", the the englishmen replies "I just put my hand out the window and touched the gates of the Buckingham Palace."
After a couple of hours the frenchmen puts his hand out the window and says "Were in Paris". The Englishmen asks "How do you know?" The frenchmen replies "I just put my hand out the window and touched the Eiffel Tower."
After 2 more hours, the romanian puts his hand out the window and says "Were in Bucharest now" The englishmen and frenchmen ask "How do you know?" The romanian replies, "I just put my and out the window, and someone stole my watch" :D
(for those of you who might not know, Bucharest is the capital of Romania :))

Felix_MC

09-28-2007, 09:41 PM

So there's this old guy in the desert looking for something. After days Jesus appears in front of him and says "My mortal, how can I help you? What are you looking for?"
The old man replies "Im looking for my son.. his hands and feet were nailed to wood.."
Jesus: "Father!"
Old man: "Pinocchio!"

wdympcf

09-28-2007, 09:59 PM

Since there have been a few genie jokes, I'll add one more:

This guy is moping along on the beach after another unsuccessful night trying to pick up women when he kicks up an old brass lamp. Just for the hell of it, he decides to rub it - you know, just in case.... And what do you know? A genie pops out. The genie grandiosely promises to grant the guy one wish.

The guy thinks for a while, and then says: "I want to be able to where the women are hot and always in bikinis. I want to be able to go there whenever I want. So, build me a bridge to Hawaii."

The genie replies: "Are you crazy? Do you know how much concrete that will take? Do you know how much work I will have to do? No way!"

So the guy say: "Okay, well then.... I know! I want you to grant me a complete understanding of women!"

The genie replies: "Two lanes or four?"

wdympcf

09-28-2007, 10:12 PM

Hopefully no one has posted this one (or my previous one) yet. I haven't read all of the jokes on this thread yet.

Three men are lined up at the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to let them into heaven. St. Peter approaches them and tells them that they only have room for one person right now, so whoever has the best story on how they died gets to go in.

The first man says: "Well, I came home from work early because I suspected that my wife was cheating on me and I wanted to catch her in the act. So I took the elevator up to the our unit on the 10th floor and busted in yelling 'aha!', only to find my wife at home alone. But something was't right, and I knew that the guy had to be hiding somewhere in our unit. I searched all over, and finally after no success went out on the patio to cool off before apologizing to my wife. What did I find on the patio? The guy was hanging from the railing! The rage took over! I tried to pry his hands loose, but they wouldn't budge. So I ran inside and grabbed hammer and started smashing his knuckles and he fell. As dumb luck would have it though, he landed on some bushes and survived. I was so enraged by this point, I ran inside carried the fridge to the patio and threw it off on the guy. After all that exertion, I had a heart attack and died."

St. Peter replied: "That's awful! But it does make for a good story. Let's see what number two has to say."

The second man says: "Well, I was home alone in my unit on the eleventh floor of my apartment building doing some yoga on the patio. I tried a new move and slipped and fell over the edge. Luckily enough I caught the railing on the patio of the unit below me as I was falling. I was hanging there praying for help when a man comes out and starts prying at my hands and then beating on them with a hammer. Finally, I couldn't hold on any longer and I fell. As I fell, I prayed once again and landed on a bush. Just as I was thanking God for saving my life, a fridge fell on me!"

St. Peter replied: "Wow... I think you've got it. But before I let you in, let's see what number three has to say."

The third man says: "See, I was hiding in this fridge..."

Felix_MC

09-28-2007, 11:08 PM

Since there have been a few, I'll post a new genie joke, that I hope no one posted yet..

A young, just married couple were playing golf. The man was teaching his wife to how play. His wife, being a rookie, hit the ball too hard, and it went far, hitting a house at the edge of the field, breaking one of it's windows. The couple went to to the house to apologize and pay for the broken window. They find the door unlocked, and so they go in. The house was old and dusty. By the window that was broken by the ball, was a bookcase and in front of it, a broken, rusty old lamp. It apparently fell when the ball hit the window and the bookcase and broke. Besides the old lamp was an old man, looking as if he just woke up. The couple starts apologizing for the window and lamp, when the old man interrupts them: "I am a genie. I have been trapped inside that lamp for 1000 years. By braking it, you freed me, and now I will grand you a wish."
Being young and greedy, the couple asks for a zillion dollars. The genie approved of the wish, but he needs another favor before granting the wish.
"I have been trapped in that lamp for 1000 years. Alone. I haven't been with a woman in a 1000 years. If you could let me spend a night with your wife, I will grant you your wish"
The husband first disagrees but then thinks "What's a night? We're going to be rich afterwards"
The husband sleeps on the couch in the genie's house that night, while the genie and the woman slept upstairs.
In the morning, the husband asks the genie "So, wheres our money?"
Genie: "How old are ya?"
Husband: "I'm 25 and proud",
Genie: "You're 25 and you still think magical genies exist?"

johngpt

09-29-2007, 01:55 PM

Not exactly a joke, but then again, not exactly NOT a joke.

Couldn't resist taking the photo this morning at one of our local bookstores.

http://img403.imageshack.us/img403/2153/zunefordummiesey1.th.jpg (http://img403.imageshack.us/my.php?image=zunefordummiesey1.jpg)

Photek

09-29-2007, 01:59 PM

cwtnospam

09-29-2007, 03:43 PM

I wonder if the sales of that book have surpassed the sales of the Zune?!
I'm thinking they should exactly match. :D

johngpt

09-29-2007, 03:50 PM

I'm thinking they should exactly match. :D
Book could slightly edge out device, if a number of folks buy the book for the zune they found in the trash? :eek:

Felix_MC

09-29-2007, 11:15 PM

Well, out of the half a dozen of zunes sold, what are the chances of someone finding one in the trash? :D

johngpt

09-30-2007, 12:31 AM

Another from that wonderful sister of mine:

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

roncross@cox.net

09-30-2007, 01:35 AM

What did the children of a fund manager tell the other children playing?

Lutin

09-30-2007, 06:22 AM

Well, out of the half a dozen of zunes sold, what are the chances of someone finding one in the trash? :D

Weak probability. But out of the six, one zune dumped in the trash is enough.
Dumped in the trash, tested, dumped back in the trash, found by someone else, dumped...

Felix_MC

09-30-2007, 11:17 AM

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Well, at least I still have 5 years of 'enjoying myself' :D. I don't even wanna think about the next 60 years:rolleyes:...

johngpt

09-30-2007, 01:30 PM

What did the children of a fund manager tell the other children playing?

What did the fund manager's children tell the other children?

roncross@cox.net

09-30-2007, 02:35 PM

What did the fund manager's children tell the other children?

Let's have some mutual fund:)

Gee, this was easy...

johngpt

09-30-2007, 02:52 PM

Let's have some mutual fund:)

Gee, this was easy...

GROAN!!!!!!!

Felix_MC

09-30-2007, 04:53 PM

Heres a funny Linux Joke :D
http://www.roverpundit.com/images/linux.jpg

And a Microsoft Vista one;
http://www.geekculture.com/joyoftech/joyimages/912.gif

and of course, another windows one:
http://www.geeksworld.org/pages/092.png

Hope you enjoyed them :D

specter

10-01-2007, 06:04 AM

thanks, all of the recent jokes very very funny. And some of them are translated into Russian and we have our own versions of them (as the story with the man in the fridge, for example).

Photek

10-01-2007, 05:36 PM

I saw a horrible crash involving 2 of those new Skoda's on the way to work this morning......... yeh it was horrible...... sponge fingers and jam everywhere!

Okay..... this joke only works if you have seen the new Skoda advert on TV..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwswkJZEdS4

and jokes are usually funnier if I don't have to explain them

Felix_MC

10-01-2007, 07:35 PM

I think I no what kind of cake I want for my bday now..:D

ArcticStones

10-02-2007, 01:33 AM

.
Q: Do you know why the Trabant only had one exhaust pipe?
A: So it won’t be mistaken for a wheelbarrow.

Photek

10-02-2007, 03:43 AM

Q: Do you know why the Trabant only had one exhaust pipe?
A: So it won’t be mistaken for a wheelbarrow

okay... this opens up a new avenue of jokes.... in the UK the car everyone used to mock was the Skoda.. here are a few...

Q. Why do Skoda's have heated rear windows?
A. So you can warm your hands when you push them?

Q. What do you call a Skoda with a sun roof?
A. A Skip

As it happens... Skoda's are now very good cars :)

ArcticStones

10-02-2007, 03:07 PM

.
All right, Photek, this one is for you....
My favourite British political joke, albeit from another era, with
all the reserve that is the trademark of our English brethren:

"Margaret Thatcher is now doing to the country
what she hasn’t done to her husband ...in years."
.

Photek

10-02-2007, 03:27 PM

"Margaret Thatcher is now doing to the country what she hasn’t done to her husband ...in years."

an oldie but a goldie!

"It was announced in England that Tony Blair will leave as British Prime Minister in May. So, President Bush has toppled yet another government." --Jay Leno

Felix_MC

10-03-2007, 08:11 PM

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?

A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: How do you know when a lawyer is lying?

A: He has his mouth open.

johngpt

10-03-2007, 09:01 PM

Felix_MC

10-03-2007, 09:11 PM

Is that supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing..? :p :D

johngpt

10-03-2007, 10:25 PM

Is that supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing..? :p :D
Time will tell, my friend. :)

Felix_MC

10-04-2007, 07:44 AM

Time can talk? Dang, I didn't no that. I only knew it can fly, run and pass, and of course, it can be killed :D

specter

10-04-2007, 08:32 AM

kel101

10-04-2007, 05:07 PM

im not sure if someone has already posted this joke, but heres my all time best joke.....ready,......drumroll please

The best joke of all time is.................VISTA :)

Photek

10-04-2007, 05:20 PM

im not sure if someone has already posted this joke, but heres my all time best joke.....ready,......drumroll please

The best joke of all time is.................VISTA :)

See Post 8 :) before Vista was released.

kel101

10-04-2007, 05:25 PM

i guess, but we can accept xp as half decent, vista though, is well you know..
and just think what the next os is gonna be like, they say they will release it in 4 years? thats bound to be even worse then vista itself. Personally the best windows os is clearly win95:)

cwtnospam

10-04-2007, 05:28 PM

i guess, but we can accept xp as half decent,...
You can accept it, I've had to use it far too much lately to do that. :rolleyes:

Felix_MC

10-04-2007, 06:43 PM

im not sure if someone has already posted this joke, but heres my all time best joke.....ready,......drumroll please

The best joke of all time is.................VISTA

Vista isn't even a funny joke... :D

specter

10-05-2007, 03:33 AM

The best joke of all time is.................VISTA :)
Vista is the most evil joke - almost black humor!

dzurn

10-05-2007, 10:22 AM

Here's a Russian joke, from back in the bad old Soviet days:

The Russian worker has worked for 10 years to save enough to put in a telephone. He calls the Soviet phone company and asks, finally, to have his new phone installed right away!

The phone company says, "Sorry, due to our backlog, your new phone will be installed exactly 1 year from today."

The man says, "One year? Will that be in the morning or afternoon?"

Phone company: "It's a year away! What possible difference could it make?!?"

Man: "Because the plumber is coming that morning."

johngpt

10-05-2007, 10:37 AM

:: I yam Popeye of Borg. ::
:: Prepares ta be akskimilgrated. ::

Now, that's funny!

kel101

10-05-2007, 04:27 PM

whats brown and smells, feels, and smells like crap...

ZUNE.....(is that too close to my vista joke???)

Photek

10-05-2007, 04:48 PM

whats brown and smells, feels, and smells like crap...

ZUNE.....

now thats funny.... yet also true.

Felix_MC

10-05-2007, 07:53 PM

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

kel101

10-06-2007, 05:47 AM

now thats funny.... yet also true. lol why did i put smells twice? maybe i should at tastes haha? ... oh and this is my 500th post WOOOOH :D

specter

10-10-2007, 05:23 AM

Here's a Russian joke, from back in the bad old Soviet days:

The Russian worker has worked for 10 years to save enough to put in a telephone.
Well, this is really funny. Moreover, I have never heard this one, though our grandfathers sometimes tell such funny things:)

ArcticStones

10-10-2007, 06:03 AM

.
The story is told of a Norwegian freedom fighter, who had been back home working undercover during the German occupation. Now he had returned to Canada, to give his report to his superiors. They were particularly interested in his eye-witness accounts of the Messerschmidt Me 262, the world’s first operational jet fighter. His English, however, was a bit lacking, perhaps compromising the report’s intelligence value...

“You should have seen it. There was a big smell. It took off with a helluva fart, and disappeared like a prikk in the distance.”

(smell = bang, fart = speed, prikk = dot)

specter

10-10-2007, 06:58 AM

.
“You should have seen it. There was a big smell. It took off with a helluva fart, and disappeared like a prikk in the distance.”

Heh... :D:D:D

johngpt

10-10-2007, 08:16 AM

.
“You should have seen it. There was a big smell. It took off with a helluva fart, and disappeared like a prikk in the distance.”

Now, ArcticStones, this wouldn't by any chance be a lead in for some Oly and Johann jokes?

aehurst

10-10-2007, 12:36 PM

Bob boards the plane for a trip overseas and finds himself seated next to a particularly obnoxious parrot. In short order, the parrot starts complaining about everything and is particularly brutal to the stewardess, directing extremely vulgar language at her in every sentence.

The exchanges between the stewardess and parrot continue for over an hour, with Bob getting more and more embarrassed at each occurrence.

After lunch, the stewardess asks Bob how he enjoyed his meal. Bob replied, "It wasn't all that good, a little cold." At which point the parrot jumps in cursing the stewardess again, "You're *&)#@! right it was cold. Only an idiot would serve cold #$%#!# food. How many box tops did you send in to get those ^#@$ing wings you're wearing on that flat chest?

At this point the stewardess has had enough. She summons some help, grabs Bob and the parrot by the neck and escorts them to the emergency exit, rips the door open and proceeds to toss Bob and the parrot out from 25,000 feet. Just as Bob and the parrot leave the plane, the parrot turns to Bob and says, "Hey, you're a pretty lippy guy for someone who can't fly!"

Felix_MC

10-10-2007, 04:23 PM

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A COMPUTER ADDICT WHEN...

You wake up at 3a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your email on the way back to bed.

Your firstborn is named dotcom.

You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

AND DRUM ROLL PLEASE

You start tilting your head sideways to smile. =)

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?

Felix_MC

10-10-2007, 04:25 PM

SURPRISE SETTLEMENT
EVENLY SPLITS MICROSOFT;
ONE FIRM TO MAKE SOFTWARE,
OTHER TO MAKE PATCHES
Decision Keeps Redmond from Monopolizing Massive Microsoft Patch Industry

Redmond, Wash. — In a surprise settlement today with nine U.S. states, Microsoft agreed to be split into two independent companies — one that will continue to make Microsoft operating systems, browsers, and server software, and another, potentially larger company that will make patches for Microsoft operating systems, browsers, and server software.

Industry analysts argue that providing patches for security holes in Microsoft programs is a major, untapped growth industry, and applauded the states for not allowing Redmond to control it.

"Just consider, Microsoft can make an operating system, such as Windows XP, and sell 200 million copies, but each one of those copies is going to need at least five patches to fix security holes, so that's 1 billion patches," said Gartner Group analyst Mitch Fershing. "That is an enormous, undeveloped market."

Microsoft employees seem to agree, as sources in Redmond described a "mad scramble" among staffers to position themselves for spots at the new company, called Patchsoft. Asked why people would want to leave Microsoft for a startup, the source said the answer was "really quite simple."

"Everyone here is asking themselves, 'Do I want to be part of the problem, or part of the solution?'" he said.

"Patchsoft developers will not have any foreknowledge of bugs or security holes before software is released. They'll just have to be surprised," he said.

"So it will be just like it was when they were at Microsoft," he added.

Jay Carr

10-10-2007, 10:01 PM

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A COMPUTER ADDICT WHEN...

The accuracy of you statements is stunning and some where just beyond scary for me (Meaning, I've checked all the sites I usually check five times now, and I'm still on the stupid internet...)

ArcticStones

10-11-2007, 02:39 AM

Now, ArcticStones, this wouldn't by any chance be a lead in for some Oly and Johann jokes?

Sorry, don’t know any of those. The best I can do is a Swedish joke.

A sexually frustrated Swede went to see his doctor. Being very shy, he had difficult putting words on the problem. So Dr Persson gently prodded his patient: "Well, how aften do you have sex with your wife?"

"Almost every day," said Johann.

"Then what’s the problem!" blurted out the envious doctor.

"Almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday..."
.

Felix_MC

10-11-2007, 07:32 AM

1. I have moss growing:

A) In my garden
B) In my bathroom
C) In my kitchen
D) On my teeth

2. When I open my mouth at parties, people:

A) Listen
B) Ease away slowly
C) Stuff a live weasel down my throat

3. I think computers are:
A) Uninteresting
B) Interesting
C) Too damn small for the stuff I want to do

4. I think sheep are:

A) Uninteresting
B) Interesting
C) Annoyingly far away from where I live

5. The Usenet Oracle is:

A) A pack of weenies who think about "Lisa" way too much
B) Interesting
C) Not appreciative of the great answers I write; the Priesthood is out to get me

6. The gender I desire to have sexual relations with is:

A) Difficult to understand
B) Impossible to understand
C) Clearly from a different planet
D) How should I know? I've only seen pictures

7. Bill Gates is:

A) Bill who?
B) Head of MicroSoft, the lead brand of toilet paper
C) Head of Microsoft, the creators of the worst computer virus ever... -Windows
D) Bill who? You mean Steve Jobs, right? >=)

8. In general, people:

A) Like me
B) Don't like me
C) People? What people?

9. My friends are:

A) Diverse
B) People I know from work or school
C) Wearing the same clothing I am

10. My dream vacation is:

A) Tibet
B) Europe
C) California
D) In a room with lots of fluorescent lights and an unlimited supply of coffee

11. My job prospects are:

A) Abysmal
B) Adequate
C) I'll never be out of work, you hear me? Never!
D) They pay people to do this?

Score:
0 for each A
1 for each B
2 for each C
3 for each D

19 or more: Yep. You're a computer geek, all right.

13 - 18: You're a geek of some stripe or another.

7 - 12: Probably not a geek, but watch it...

0 - 6: If you're of the opposite sex, could you pm me? Please? Hello?
(joking;))

johngpt

10-11-2007, 09:39 AM

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Felix_MC

10-11-2007, 04:20 PM

XD, nice one
I don't think my history teacher(who's also a lawyer) will be happy to hear it ;)

Back to jokes:):

Drag and drop for PCs: DRAG your PC off your desk, and DROP it in the trash!

You know Microsoft is creating a new keyboard perfect for their OS?
"Really? Ya don't say!"
I do say! It has three buttons: Control, Alt, and Delete!
(pic: http://blogsimages.skynet.be/images/000/165/553_592ctrlaltdel.jpg)

A computer without Windows is like a cake without mustard.

famous last words: "Don't worry, my life support system is running Windows...-*croak*

Is your computer running...? Then your not using Windows

Who's General Failure & why is he reading My Disk?

Using a Dell PC is a lot like electing a new Pope.
If the smoke that comes out is black, it's still not quite done.
If the smoke that comes out is white, it's all over.

Photek

10-11-2007, 04:46 PM

One for Felix_MC....

"In a world without walls and fences , who needs windows and gates."

Felix_MC

10-11-2007, 06:28 PM

Nice one :p
But in a world with unemployment and no fruits, people need Apple and Jobs :p :D

specter

10-12-2007, 08:14 AM

One for Felix_MC....

"In a world without walls and fences , who needs windows and gates."

Unfortunately I can't translate this to my friends. They don't know English, and the joke is absolutely untranslatable))))

johngpt

10-12-2007, 10:14 AM

General Motors help line

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!
HelpLine: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
Customer: What's an ignition?
HelpLine: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!
HelpLine: Is the gas tank empty?
Customer: Huh? How do I know?
HelpLine: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?
Customer: It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?
HelpLine: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.
Customer: What? I paid $22,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!

Photek

10-12-2007, 10:46 AM

This will only make sense if your from the UK, or know that 'Scouser, Mersy-sider, and Liverpudlian all refer to someone from Liverpool..

At the end of a tiny bar is a huge Scouse bloke – 6 feet 5 inches tall and 350 lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: ‘Do you want a blow job?’ he whisper.......
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar......
Finally, he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing has happened. Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer. ‘I've never seen you react like that,’ he say ‘Just what did he say to you?’ ‘I'm not sure,’ the big Scouser replies. ‘......Something about a job.’

johngpt

10-15-2007, 04:59 PM

This just in from a friend's email.

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc.

Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.

Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.”

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

“No” said Billy, “He plays rugby for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say.”

Felix_MC

10-15-2007, 07:29 PM

A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

Felix_MC

10-15-2007, 07:34 PM

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

specter

10-17-2007, 06:37 AM

kel101

10-17-2007, 01:26 PM

Photek

10-17-2007, 02:14 PM

Does it deal with some stereotype about the Liverpudlians?

without wanting to reenforce stereotypes.... you could say that Liverpudlians have a reputation for being work shy, benefit scrounging drunks.. British TV shows like Brookside, The Royal Family and Shameless do little to change this perception :)

but I guess every country has their version of that.. ;)

ArcticStones

10-17-2007, 03:01 PM

.
Two Irishmen (out of work and down on their luck) were told that if they
went to England they could make their fortunes because, as their advisor
told them "The streets are paved wth gold."

Sean and Patrick took the next ferry to Liverpool.

On alighting from the ferry, Sean saw a gleaming new South African Rand
lying on the pavement. He was stooping to pick up his prize, when
Patrick took him by the arm and shook him, saying: "Don't be such a
greedy little sod. We'll start collecting 'em tomorrow."

Felix_MC

10-17-2007, 04:58 PM

Q:What do you call a computer superhero?
A: A Screen Saver.

Q:Why did the computer cross the road?
A: To get a byte to eat.

Q:Who chases computer criminals?
A: A hacker-tracker.

Q:What do you get if you cross a computer with an elephant?
A: Lots of Memory.

Q:What do you get when you cross a dog and a computer?
A: A machine that has a bark worse than its byte.

Q:Why was the computer so angry?
A: Because it had a chip on its shoulder.

Q:Why did the computer get glasses?
A: To improve its websight.

Q:Why did the computer sneeze?
A: It had a virus.

Q:Where do computers go to dance?
A: The disk-o

Q:Where do cool mice live?
A: In mousepads.

ArcticStones

10-17-2007, 07:10 PM

.
Two hawks were watching the Wright brothers first flight...

One said: "What the F was that!"

His friend replied: "I don't know, but I have a very uneasy feeling in
the pit of my stomach..."

fazstp

10-17-2007, 11:23 PM

work shy, benefit scrounging drunks... but I guess every country has their version of that.. ;)

Sounds like my neighbours. Just add gambling/drug addiction and a large family of neglected children with very little education or future. If anyone has seen the Aussie family on Pizza you might have a pretty accurate mental picture.

Not sure if Pizza (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pizza_(TV_series)) has made it overseas yet?

Photek

10-18-2007, 03:48 AM

Not sure if Pizza has made it overseas yet?

we have not had that export yet.... but I understand you are getting alot of 'imports' from us.... namely Brits coming to settle in Oz.. apparently 400,000 Brits emigrated last year... and the vast majority of them to Australia...

You seen many 'whingeing poms' around? :D

specter

10-18-2007, 07:50 AM

haha scousers, so easy to make fun off, i have one
why shouldnt you run over a scouse on a bike?
Its probably your bike :) lol
i found a site with scouse jokes, go nuts, and photek i think the pic at the top is offensive lol stupid scousers
http://www.jokefile.co.uk/odds/liverpool.html
A good joke and a very interesting site! Thanks, I'll study English humor as soon as I have time...

fazstp

10-18-2007, 11:13 PM

You seen many 'whingeing poms' around? :D

I guess I'd be whingeing if I came from a country where 15 degrees C is beach weather. :p

johngpt

10-19-2007, 12:03 AM

I guess I'd be whingeing if I came from a country where 15 degrees C is beach weather. :p
Sure it's beach weather!

As long as I'm in my slickers and waders.

GavinBKK

10-19-2007, 12:21 AM

How do you know when the Quantas flight has landed at Heathrow?

They shut down the engines, but the whining doesn't stop...

trumpet_999

10-19-2007, 05:33 AM

Oh dear, I can't be a terribly funny person, 20 pages in and I haven't yet posted in this thread :(

Felix_MC

10-23-2007, 08:30 PM

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner.

"Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?''

So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't answer

"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"

Felix_MC

10-23-2007, 08:42 PM

Q: How does a blonde's brain cell die?
A: Alone :p

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start ;)

Q - What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
A - Boo boos! :D

Q. Why did the kids all eat their homework?
A. Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake! :)

-Doctor, I can t stop behaving like a dog.
. -How long have you been acting this way?
-Since I was a puppy! :p

Q: What do these jokes and a can of corn have in common o.0?
A: They are both corny :D

specter

10-30-2007, 08:16 AM

Ukrainian president Viktor Yushchenko disguised himself as a common citizen and went to the market to see what people in the country think of him.
At the market he approached the fish-seller and saw that fish was extremely expensive.
He said to the seller: "Hey, why fish is so expensive?"
The seller answered: "Because our president is mother****er."
Yushchenko said nothing and retreated. The next day he came to the same market, but dressed in his daily presidential clothing accompanied by an army of reporters and his bodyguards. He came to the same fish-seller and asked:
-Why fish is so expensive?
The seller answered:
-I told you that yesterday, mother****er, didn't I?

johngpt

10-30-2007, 10:12 AM

The truth is that if you take a little time to learn a few basic principles and some of the technical lingo, buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth. So let's get started!

Dave Barry, Dave Barry in Cyberspace

Felix_MC

10-30-2007, 04:03 PM

A little boy is in school working on his algebra.

Teacher: "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"

Boy: "NONE!"

Teacher: "None, how do you figure that?"

Boy: "If I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence."

Teacher: "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

Boy: "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

Teacher: "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."

Boy: "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"

Felix_MC

10-30-2007, 04:09 PM

A little boy and girl are in a bathtub, and are naked because they are too little too understand anything like that. The girl and boy ask each other: "What's that?" and they both reply: "I'll ask my parents."

So the boy goes home and asks his dad what it is. The dad looks solemnly at him and says: "Son, that's your car. You park it in a girls garage."

The girl goes home and says: "what's that?" The mother says: "That's your garage. dont let boys park their car in it."

The next day they are again the tub. The boy says its a car and remembers what his dad said. So he begins to put it in the girls "garage". But then the girl remembers what her mom said.

5 minutes later, the girl comes to the mom with blood all over her. The mother asks her what was wrong and she said: "Mommy, a boy tried to put his car in my garage, but I popped his two back tires."

Felix_MC

10-30-2007, 04:19 PM

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,".

And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

johngpt

10-31-2007, 10:03 AM

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

J Christopher

10-31-2007, 03:25 PM

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

LOL. I can relate to the Guinness president!

Mmmm…Guinness.

Felix_MC

10-31-2007, 04:50 PM

LOL, Johngpt, those beer brands remind me of the ones in Romania :)

And now couple jokes for the halloween season:):

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher.

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

What did mama cannibal said to baby cannibal when he told her that he really liked his grandfather?
"Would you like another piece?"

What did the cannibal do when he saw an "All you can eat" restaurant?
He had two waiters and a busboy.

What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
Tombstones.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream.

What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and deady.

What do you call a monster with no neck?
The Lost Neck Monster.

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A sand witch.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.

What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?
The actors get stage fright.

What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling.

What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?
Decomposing.

What is the tallest building in Transylvania?
The Vampire State Building. (It's made up, I should know, I lived there; and yes Transylvania is in Romania, not Hungary, as most people think:p)

johngpt

10-31-2007, 08:12 PM

Felix, those take me back. When my kids were little, I would read to them in bed, from little joke books that were filled with ones just like you've posted. We loved them.

dzurn

11-01-2007, 06:49 AM

Brad Childress, Vikings Head Coach, is confronting the Vikings in the locker room after another humiliating defeat. Determined to wake them up, Brad walks in with a small alligator under his arm. The alligator is snapping its jaws every which way at anyone who ventures close.

Brad starts his speech by saying, “The problem with you guys is that you aren’t playing like anyone expected. I figured out that you all have no Commitment To Pain!” With this, Brad unzips his fly, takes out his wedding tackle, and turns the alligator to face his junk. The Alligator snaps its jaws shut on his unit and starts to thrash its head back and forth. Brad is pulled left and right by the reptile but still looks down nonchalantly. The players wince at the spectacle.

Brad lets the alligator shake a little more, then forcefully pokes the animal in the eyes three or four times. The alligator finally lets go and Brad tucks the reptile back under his arm and zips up.

He faces the panic-stricken players and demands, “Did you see that? Who can do THAT? Who of you has that same Commitment To Pain?!?!?!?” The players all avoid his gaze, still shaken by what they've witnessed.

Finally one player in the back pipes up. “OK, Coach, bad as it seems, I’ll do it. Just don’t poke me in the eyes.”

Felix_MC

11-01-2007, 04:09 PM

Upon entering his daughter's room, Mr. Lacy found a note on the bed and proceeded to read it. It stated the following:

Dear Dad,

I am sorry to have run away, but there is something I must tell you, and I couldn't bare to do it in person. I've decided to run away with Billy (my boyfriend I've been hiding from you and Mom), and we're going to get married. He promises to support me with the food stamps and goverment money he's been stashing away, but assures me there are always other ways to get money in a pinch.

He also plans to help me with my alcohol problem, which I've done a pretty good job of hiding over the past year. We plan on raising our still unborn child in the best little beach shack we can find in Mexico - I'm sure it won't be much, but I know we'll be happy together so that's all that matters. I plan on getting there with the fake passport Billy was so kind to make for me. We just hope that he won't get put back into Rehab again for his drug abuse problems.

I really wish you could meet him Daddy. He's so sweet! On my next birthday he's gonna take me down to this bar and get me a tattoo to match his! And for his birthday I hope I'll be able to afford to get him some dental work, so that maybe he can have all of his teeth when he smiles even though I think the gap is kind of cute. Well, wish us luck!

Love you,

Your little girl

P.S. I actually just got an F on my report card, but it could be a lot worse, right? I'm over at my friend Ashley's house. Come get me when you calm down

Felix_MC

11-01-2007, 04:15 PM

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

Felix_MC

11-01-2007, 04:21 PM

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. After many years, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact with his wife in a dream.

"Mary... Mary..." he called.

"Is that you, Fred?" she asked.

"Yes," he said. "I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?" Mary asked.

"Well, I get up in the morning. I have sex. I have breakfast. I run around the golf course. I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again, and sex again," he said.

"Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven!" Mary exclaimed.

"Not exactly," Fred said. "I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.

ArcticStones

11-01-2007, 04:37 PM

Albert Einstein... ...your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"

That’s excellent, Felix! :D

Felix_MC

11-02-2007, 04:37 PM

Thx Arctic :D
Glad people are enjoying my jokes, though I collect most of them from other websites :p

I think I post too much in this post though, so I'm going to lay low for a while on jokes, and let other people express their humoristic ideas (aka jokes ;))

Besides I have a four day weekend when I can finally play video games and go to the movie theatre and make out with my gf...- I meant watch educational movies with my feminine gendered friend ;) :D

Heres a last joke for the weekend:

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

ArcticStones

11-06-2007, 10:53 AM

.
God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve.

He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with great amusement, before God finally turned to Eve and said, "Well, I guess you get to have the last thing I have left.

"And what would that be?" asked Eve.

"Ah, multiple orgasms!" said God.

fazstp

11-06-2007, 07:23 PM

This isn't a joke but it's still funny in a "what the..." kind of way. I've included the link to the article I got it from but you need to subscribe to get the full article so it's mainly for reference.

2 Terror in the skies

One day in the early 1960s, 10 soldiers boarded a plane at Fort Hunter Liggett military base in California on what they thought was a routine training mission. The plane climbed into the clear blue sky, levelled out at around 5000 feet and cruised for a few minutes before suddenly lurching to one side as a propeller failed.

The pilot struggled with the controls and yelled frantically into his headset. Finally, he made an announcement over the intercom: "We have an emergency. An engine has stalled and the landing gear is not functioning. I'm going to attempt to ditch in the ocean. Please prepare yourself."

In such a situation, it would have been natural for the soldiers to feel fear or even terror. But there was no need. Though they didn't know it, they were in no danger. They were unwitting subjects in a study designed by the United States Army Leadership Human Research Unit near Monterey, California. Its purpose was to examine behavioural degradation under psychological stress - specifically, the stress of imminent death.

Having created a fear-arousing situation, the researchers next introduced a task to measure the soldiers' performance under pressure. The task was something most people find difficult under normal circumstances: filling out insurance forms. A steward distributed the paperwork, explaining it as a bureaucratic necessity. If they were all going to die, the army wanted to make sure it was covered for the loss.

Obediently, the soldiers leaned forward in their seats, pencils in hand, and set to work. They found the forms unexpectedly difficult to decipher, and quite likely they attributed this to the distraction of approaching death. In fact, the forms had deliberately been written in a confusing manner. They were, as the researchers put it, "an example of deliberately bad human engineering".

Eventually the last soldier completed his form, and they all steeled themselves for the crash. At that point the pilot turned the plane around - "Just kidding about that emergency, folks!" - and landed safely at the airfield.

Not surprisingly, anticipating a crash landing did interfere with the ability to accurately complete an insurance form. The soldiers in the plane made a significantly larger number of mistakes than did a control group on the ground who filled out the same paperwork ( Psychological Monographs: General and Applied, vol 76, p 1 (http://stinet.dtic.mil/oai/oai?&verb=getRecord&metadataPrefix=html&identifier=AD0469091) ).

Top 10 Bizarre experiments (http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg19626281.600)

Article by Alex Boese, New Scientist 03 November 2007.

ArcticStones

11-07-2007, 04:03 AM

.
We all know that it’s far easier to get laws enacted than to remove them from the books. Here are 10 of the most ridiculous laws (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/7081038.stm) in the United Queendom:

1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament

2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen's image upside-down.

3. It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.

4. Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned.

5. If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and requires the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter.

6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet.

7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen.

8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing.

9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour.

10. It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.

Isn’t it good to know that American lawmakers are far more sensible, right? Wrong!

- In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk.

- Women in Vermont must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

- In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed.

- It is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle in Alabama.

Other bizarre foreign laws worth noting if you’re travelling:

- In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm.

- A male physician in Bahrain can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror.

- In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation.

- In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except during funerals or hospital visits.

- In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon.
.

johngpt

11-07-2007, 08:28 AM

"You say this gadget of yours is for ordinary people.
What on earth would ordinary people want with computers?."
HP executive to Steve Wozniak
Does this then make the ordinary, extraordinary?

son_t

11-07-2007, 09:10 AM

This isn't a joke but it's still funny in a "what the..." kind of way. I've included the link to the article I got it from but you need to subscribe to get the full article so it's mainly for reference.

Top 10 Bizarre experiments (http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg19626281.600)

Article by Alex Boese, New Scientist 03 November 2007.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2007/nov/01/research

A later attempt to repeat the experiment with a new group of unwitting volunteers was ruined by one of the previous soldiers, who had penned a warning on a sickbag.

A sick joke?

specter

11-08-2007, 07:24 AM

These laws are absolutely ridiculous! Thanks, ArcticStones!!:D

johngpt

11-08-2007, 02:31 PM

How many Microsoft Support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they have declared darkness to be the new standard.

johngpt

11-08-2007, 02:43 PM

How many macosxhints forum jokers does it take to change a light bulb?

1,024. One to tell the original joke, the rest to give some minor variation of it!

:D:D:D:D

Felix_MC

11-08-2007, 03:50 PM

How many macosxhints forum jokers does it take to change a light bulb?

1,024. One to tell the original joke, the rest to give some minor variation of it!

How will that change the lightbulb? :D

Photek

11-08-2007, 04:50 PM

okay.... a few jokes from the great Jimmy Carr.....

"I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat."

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEc3R6TXSVA

Stones..... genius! I knew 2 of those British laws.... and a few I didn't know about I now plan to exploit :)

Felix_MC

11-08-2007, 09:22 PM

At school, to make sure everyone has a place to write down their homework, quizzes, parent-teacher notes, etc, the school provides everyone with an agenda made after the school's curriculum, with all the standardized test's dates in it, math formulas, and 'educational' stuff to fill in if you're bored. Anyways, at the bottom of each calendar page (which is supposedly one week of hw notes and stuff), theres a section called "Offbeat Oddity" with funny, weird stuff from around the world. Some of the laws posted earlier were also in my agenda, so I though I'd add more from what's in my agenda. t's not only laws, it's all kinds of stuff:

Historical Happenings:
The one Hundred Years' War actually lasted 116 years.
Thomas Edison, inventor of the light bulb, was afraid of the dark.
Queen Elizabeth I of England bathed regularly- about four times a year!
During the California Gold Rush some people paid $100 for a glass of water.
A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 68 years!

Loony Laws:
In Denmark you can go to prison for wearing a mask.
In US, in the state of Alabama, bear wrestling matches are outlawed.
Pet tarantulas are illegal to sell in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.
In US, in the state of Utah, it is illegal to cause a catastrophe.
In Brookfield, Wisconsin, it is illegal to use another person's phone to make a prank call.
In US, in the state of Washington, it's illegal to pretend one's parents are rich.
In Acworth, Georgia, all citizens must own a rake.
In Alberta, Canada, you can't hunt wildlife using a flashlight.
In Tennessee it is illegal to catch a fish with a lasso.
In West Virginia you CAN take your roadkill home for dinner.
In 2002 the Greek government passed a flawed law that accidentally banned all electronic games.

Wacky Words:
Pteronophobia- The fear of being tickled by feathers.
Apocolocynposis- The fear of turning into a pumpkin.
Arachibutyrophobia- The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.
Octophobia- Th fear of the number eight.

Strange Science:
Peanuts can be used as one of the ingredients in dynamite.
The continent of Antarctica is the only continent with no trees.
A lump of pure gold the size of your thumbnail can be flattered into a sheet the size of a tennis court.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different. (so be careful, when you commit a crime, don't let them have your tongue-print!)
Chewing gum while peeling onions will stop you from crying.

They are not all funny, must of them corny, but they are kinda interesting. Hope you liked them :D

specter

11-09-2007, 04:13 AM

Chewing gum while peeling onions will stop you from crying.

Well, I was searching for this solution for years already!!
I will try this tonight, because we're gonna have a "weekend dinner" at home with my GF... And I'm, as always, get the dirtiest of all jobs - I peel onions!!!:)

Felix_MC

11-09-2007, 05:13 PM

And I'm, as always, get the dirtiest of all jobs - I peel onions!!!
I bet she gives you a reward afterwards ;):rolleyes:

And a little joke:
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

iampete

11-14-2007, 06:20 PM

First, a disclaimer -

Political discussion is probably not appropriate here. But, given the sad state of the US political system, with very, very few exceptions, one could pretty much pick any two politicians at random, substitute the names, and with only minimal modifications to the text, the joke would still work. The names included here work well for me. (For the international audience, I would expect the same would apply to your politicians, as well.)

***********************************
The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully
served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse
to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Senators Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton
before I die," whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; Senators Kennedy and Clinton would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Hillary commented to Teddy, "I don't know
why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images
and might even get me elected President. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT."
Kennedy agreed--it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Ted's hand in
his right hand and Hillary's hand in his left. There was silence and a
look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Senator Kennedy spoke. "Father, of all the people you could
have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life
after our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."

"Amen" said Teddy. "Amen" said Hillary.

The old priest continued... "He died between two lying thieves.
I would like to do the same."

J Christopher

11-15-2007, 02:53 AM

But, given the sad state of the US political system, with very, very few exceptions, one could pretty much pick any two politicians at random, substitute the names, and with only minimal modifications to the text, the joke would still work.

Your joke is not in the least bit realistic. Everybody knows that politicians don't take time out of their day to talk to someone who won't be alive to vote in the next election. :rolleyes:

cwtnospam

11-15-2007, 08:15 AM

The old priest continued... "He died between two lying thieves.
I would like to do the same."
Did Hillary or Ted give no-bid government contracts to Haliburton???

specter

11-15-2007, 08:55 AM

Your joke is not in the least bit realistic. Everybody knows that politicians don't take time out of their day to talk to someone who won't be alive to vote in the next election. :rolleyes:
Heh... :)
Sad Truth

Felix_MC

11-15-2007, 03:53 PM

You people shouldn't be making jokes about our possible future president Clinton. Or his wife Hillary :D

ArcticStones

11-15-2007, 05:15 PM

.
It’s not nearly as fun when the Jokes Thread degenerates into a political discussion (there are better forums for that) -- so I suggest we ease off the political stuff.

Respectfully,
ArcticStones

johngpt

11-16-2007, 07:59 PM

This came in my email today from one of my oldest friends. I have a difficult time believing that some of these were from high school essays, but I laughed for quite awhile anyway.

30 Dumbest things from School essays

These are taken from papers turned in by high school students.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a 6'3" tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
23. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
24. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
26. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
27. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
29. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

iampete

11-16-2007, 08:18 PM

johngpt

11-16-2007, 10:24 PM

Somewhat better than one would expect from high school, especially the ones which are parodying older styles of pulp detective novels.

But, I'm still laughing at them.

Felix_MC

11-16-2007, 10:53 PM

There were 4 nuns and they asked their Priest if they can have a weekend off work on Friday so the Priest said "Yes." So the weekend went by and they all had done a Sin!!! The Priest asked the 1st Nun wat sin she had done, so the Nun answered "Well i had a try smoking" so the Priest looked up for 20 seconds and said "God forgives u, go and drink the holy water." and she did, the 4th Nun began to smile. He asks the 2nd nun wat she had done and she answered "I went out with a man." so the Priest looked up for about 50 seconds and said "God forgives you, go and drink the holy water." so she did and the 4th nun began to laugh. The Priest asked the 3rd Nun wat she had done, and she answered " I had sexual intercourse with a man." so the Priest looked up for 2 minutes and said "God forgives u, go and drink the Holy water." The 4th nun fell down laughing so the Priest asked "why u laughing so much wat sin did u do." She said "I pissed in the Holy Water!!!"

fazstp

11-28-2007, 06:04 PM

I think these are my favourites

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

Felix_MC

11-28-2007, 08:35 PM

25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
Oh, the good old days! My father chasing me around the block with the chain-saw, me running like crazy as far as my feet could bear! He catching me and cutting my fingers, and then nailing me to the ceiling with his nail gun... Ah... How I wish my dad's chain-saw wouldn't have broken... I've still got two fingers...:D
I know what I'm getting him for xmas now... XD

johngpt

11-28-2007, 09:37 PM

Oh, the good old days! My father chasing me around the block with the chain-saw, me running like crazy as far as my feet could bear! He catching me and cutting my fingers, and then nailing me to the ceiling with his nail gun... Ah... How I wish my dad's chain-saw wouldn't have broken... I've still got two fingers...:D
I know what I'm getting him for xmas now... XD
Fond memories abound.

brontojoris

11-29-2007, 06:41 AM

Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because he couldn't get the chicken off his d...

Photek

11-29-2007, 08:11 AM

Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because he couldn't get the chicken off his d...

laughing out loud! :D

Felix_MC

11-29-2007, 03:55 PM

Because he couldn't get the chicken off his d...
Chicken? I bet you mean chick :D

specter

11-30-2007, 08:45 AM

Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because he couldn't get the chicken off his d...
Eh?
Didn't get it again:(

johngpt

11-30-2007, 09:43 AM

Eh?
Didn't get it again:(
I suspect it relates to the chicken crossing the road, but I consider this one pretty fowl.

johngpt

11-30-2007, 11:40 AM

Maybe it's because I work in healthcare, but I found this cartoon in yesterday's Albuquerque Journal pretty funny.

I'm inserting it here, but if the moderator feels it's copyright infringement, please remove it. I wouldn't want to get the forum in any trouble. I included the entire cartoon so it's attributed to the artist.

Should it be removed, here's the link to it on a website.

http://www.comicspage.com/comicspage/main.jsp?catid=1146&custid=69&file=20071129csbgg-a-p.jpg&code=csbgg&dir=/boundgagged

tlarkin

11-30-2007, 08:54 PM

Photek

12-01-2007, 04:38 AM

I just heard this one today...

One of President Bush's advisers comes up to the president and says to him, "Mr. President, I have some news for you about the war. 4 Brazilians died last night over there." The President in shock passes right out. When he awakes, he stands straight up and asks, "Well, exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

... thats the funniest thing I have heard all year... I am still crying with laughter :)

on that note... did you ever see '2DTV'?..... there is loads of it on youtube..

johngpt

12-01-2007, 11:17 AM

... thats the funniest thing I have heard all year... I am still crying with laughter :)

on that note... did you ever see '2DTV'?..... there is loads of it on youtube..
Went to youtube and viewed some of the 2dtv. Tremendously funny. Then viewed some of their parodies on Roy Keane, which led to viewing video of his play. Which led to reading viewers' comments. Now those're funny. I hadn't known such vulgarity was permissable!
:eek:

ArcticStones

12-01-2007, 11:56 AM

I'm inserting it here, but if the moderator feels it's copyright infringement, please remove it.

I remember seeing a version of that cartoon in a book I have – jokes and cartoons from American medical journals. The caroon in question shows a patient standing before a nurse, having asked for the rest of his hospital gown. "There isn’t any ‘rest of it’."

Yep, I’ve removed the actual image. Forum policy is to use links to copyrighted material. :)

ArcticStones

12-01-2007, 11:59 AM

.
Ok, here is another macabre variation on a theme:

Q: Why did the punk cross the road?
A: Because he was stapled to the chicken.
.

NovaScotian

12-01-2007, 01:21 PM

This is actually a true story.

A rather refined lady in her late sixties was visiting her doctor, a woman, about a minor problem. After that was addressed, the doctor told her that while she was in the office, she really ought to have a Pap test (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pap_smear) to check for cervical cancer. The lady somewhat reluctantly agreed.

While she was removing her clothing preparatory to climbing onto the table, the doctor asked her: "Oh, and I don't mean to pry but it matters, are you still sexually active?".

To which the old girl replied, "Doctor, my husband died three years ago -- a man would have to use the jaws of life to get in there". She promptly giggled and blushed, and said to the doctor "Oh, I hope I didn't offend you", to which the doctor, still chuckling, replied "No not at all, that will be the best doctor's office story I've told in years!"

johngpt

12-01-2007, 01:50 PM

From that same newspaper, my horoscope for the day ran as follows.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2327/2076302008_c2044471a2.jpg

My wife thought it quite appropriate.

cwtnospam

12-01-2007, 01:58 PM

Maybe I like this cartoon because I was an engineering student when it came out, or maybe it was because it was specific to the school. At the University of Connecticut, the Math-Science building is/was 5 or 6 floors if I remember correctly.

The cartoon, written by P. W. Catanese (http://bookfair.uconn.edu/artistbios/2005/2005.htm) and published in the school paper, was entitled "Engineering Suicide" and it showed a student jumping off the roof of the building yelling "I'M A VECTOR!!! I'M A VECTOR!!" I still can't think of it without chuckling.

johngpt

12-01-2007, 03:52 PM

johngpt

12-01-2007, 04:03 PM

From and engineer friend of mine, many years ago. I can't recall if it's been posted here already, and there're too many pages in this thread to peruse, so if it's redundant, oh well. You know, I work in the Department of Redundancy Department.

Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is Half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. " The last one said, "Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

johngpt

12-01-2007, 04:43 PM

Looking for the engineer stuff caused me to look at other ones I'd saved from years past, and stumbled across this one that my wife, an RN, had forwarded to me from one of her nurse friends. There are too many items to post at once, so this is just a partial list from the file.

Did you hear the one about the nurse who died and went to hell?? It took her two weeks to realize she wasn't at work anymore!!

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A NURSE IF.....
You find yourself checking out other customers' arm veins in grocery waiting lines.

The front of your scrubs read: 'Nurses...here to save your ass, not kiss it!'

Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank.

You occasionally park in the space with the 'Physicians Only' sign, and knock it over.

You've basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.

You've ever told a patient to 'move toward the light.'

You've told a confused patient that your name was that of a co-worker and to HOLLER if they need anything.

You believe some patients are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

You don't get excited by any blood loss.......unless it's your own.

You always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes.

You can intubate your friends at parties.

You can't cure stupid.

You live by the motto, "To be right is only half the battle, to convince the physician is more difficult" (not to mention the health insurance company!!!)

You have seen more moons than the Hubbell telescope.

Your sense of humor gets more "warped" every year.

You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them.

You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.

johngpt

12-02-2007, 06:55 PM

Las_Vegas, one of the forum members, has this in his signature. Every time I read one of his posts, I chuckle.

Sometimes I wonder… Why is that Frisbee getting Larger? …and then it hits me.

blueballs

12-02-2007, 10:38 PM

here it is in my signature it was on overheardinny.com

johngpt

12-05-2007, 12:21 AM

From a friend of almost 40 years, also a baby boomer.

Be sure your speakers are on.

http://weblogs.newsday.com/news/opinion/walthandelsman/blog/2007/11/animation_baby_boomers.html

johngpt

12-06-2007, 04:11 PM

12 year old patient just told me this one.

You go to the restroom and come out. You're American. What are you when you're in the restroom?

European.

Felix_MC

12-06-2007, 07:08 PM

I don't get that one...:o:rolleyes:

.. And some jokes.. I hope no one gets offended;)

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.
"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.
Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "What!" I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?"
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

Government Verbosity
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words
The Lord's prayer: 66 words
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words
The 10 Commandments: 179 words
The Gettysburg address: 286 words
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words
U.S. Government regulations on cabbage sales: 26,911 words

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C
-The Russians just used a pencils

fat elvis

12-06-2007, 07:24 PM

here it is in my signature it was on overheardinny.com

LOL, that reminds me of something I heard on the bus. If it were not something I actually heard it'd be a very lame joke

I was on the bus here in SF and some guy was speaking with a girl about a novel he's writing. I was sort of listening. What caught my attention was the following:

author_wannabe: I've been working on the novel for a while...[pause]..but i just can't....[pause]....I can't....[pause]...I just can't...

author's_friend: ...finish it?

Felix_MC

01-14-2008, 05:57 PM

Heres an oxymoron for you guys. Microsoft Works

specter

01-16-2008, 04:44 AM

author_wannabe: I've been working on the novel for a while...[pause]..but i just can't....[pause]....I can't....[pause]...I just can't...

author's_friend: ...finish it?
Huh, that's funny :D

johntsibidis

01-16-2008, 09:41 AM

I will try to transfer it as best as I can in english ..::

George and Vanesa are married and are invited for dinner at Tom's and Louisa's who are also married. During the dinner Georges spoon is falling at the floor. While he is under the table his eyes falls at Tom's wife open legs and he realises that she is not wearing any underwear. He bewilders by the view, but he is getting back at his seats and try to be calm and composed.

A few minutes later, he was in the kitchen when Louisa (tom's wife) suddenly open the doors and comes next to him.

Louisa : Did you see anything interesting while you were been under the table ?
Georges : Yes, I did see something...
Louisa : And If I would say to you that there is a way to taste it ?
Georges : I am interested to know how ..
Louisa : You can have it with 1000€ ..
Georges : Ok ! No problem.

So they arrange a meeting for the next day when Tom will be at this office.
George arrives the next day at Louisa's, they are having crazy sex and when he lives he pays Louisa the 1000€.

In the Afternoon, Tom returns at home. As they are eating, he asks Louisa
- Did George passed by any chance from here today ?
Louisa is frozen , thinks that maybe Tom knows something and she answers
- Yes, indid. He passed for a while.

Tom : Then, Did he gave you 1000€ ?
Louisa is totally scarred and she answers :
Yes he gave me 1000...

Then Tom says : I knew it. I knew it, that he is a good and reliable person. You know, this morning came to my office and he ask me to borrow him 1000€ and that he will returned the money later, by passing from our house. Please bring the money to me because I need to take it back to the office ......................

johngpt

01-16-2008, 06:28 PM

"I don't care who y'are...
that's funny."

----- Larry the Cable Guy

ArcticStones

01-28-2008, 04:34 PM

.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

J Christopher

01-30-2008, 12:57 PM

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter greets him at the pearly gates and says, "Bill you're such a unique individual that we've decided to give you a choice between heaven and hell."
Bill thinks about this and asks if he can get a look at the two options.
St. Peter says, "Sure, I've got a couple of windows you can look through."
So he opens the window to heaven and Bill sees lots of angels sitting on clouds plucking harps.
Peter then opens the second window to hell. It's a brightly lit casino with lots of people drinking, laughing, and having a good time. There are naked dancing girls on stage and in the corner a nice little poker room. Doyle, Mike and other poker greats are playing Bill's favorite $3-$6 Hold'em. There's an empty seat with chips and they wave at Bill to come join them in the game. Bill tells Saint Peter that he's decided that hell looks like its more fun than heaven and he wants to join the poker game. Saint Peter snaps his fingers and Bill's wish is granted.
Well about 6 months go by and Saint Peter decides to see how his friend Bill is doing. He opens the window to hell and there is Bill shacked by his ankles, hanging over a fiery pit. Peter asks him how he likes his new home.
Bill says, "Saint Peter, this isn't anything like you showed me. What happened?"
Saint Peter responds, "Sorry Bill, I thought you realized that was just the demo version".

***

Little Johnnie had just turned six and much to his parents' chagrine, had never spoken. Johnnie's grandpa, a well-known local poker player, was sympathetic to Johnnie's plight, and would take Johnnie with him whenever possible. One regular bonding between Grandpa and his grandson was at the Elks Club Saturday night 10-20 hold'em game. Johnnie would sit on Grandpa's lap and faithfully watch as Grandpa regularly cleaned out the town council members, local attorney's and judges.
Alas, one Saturday night, Grandpa seemed to be missing every flop, and was on the verge of tilt for the first time ever. Near the end of the evening in a capped pot, with Grandpa on the button, he looked at his cards only to see 2-7 off. Furious at his run of bad luck, Grandpa splashed the pot with a call.

Johnnie looked up at his grandpa and said, "You shouldn't have called that bet, Grandpa."

Grandpa was stunned. "Johnnie, you're six years old, and these are the first words you've ever spoken!"

Johnnie looked at Grandpa and said, "Well, up until now, you've been playing just fine."

***

This guy is having a lovely poker game at home until his obnoxious 12-year-old son started disrupting things by going around, telling player's cards, making noise, and being a general nuisance. The father is about to discipline him when an uncle of the family says, "Let me handle this."
The uncle takes the boy in another room and much to everyone's surprise, they don't see him the rest of the night. The father says to the uncle, "I really appreciate what you did, what did you say to him?"
The uncle says, "I really didn't say anything, I just showed him how to masturbate."

***

The milkman walks up to a house on his route, and as he passes the window he looks in and sees a group of young boys drinking bourbon and playing poker for what looks like huge stakes.
He rings the bell and a 6 year old boy answers with cards in his hand and a cigar in his mouth.......

The milkman asks, "Are your parents in?"

The boy pulls the cigar out of his mouth and replies, "WHAT DO YOU F$@%*!#G THINK?"

setta

02-05-2008, 06:20 AM

Once I saw the mountains in shape of beautiful girl. I said to one Canadian - look, there is a beautiful girl! He replied - Yep, girl, but not beautiful :) It made me smile :)

nikopolidis

02-07-2008, 07:29 AM

ArcticStones

02-07-2008, 09:39 AM

Everyone knows those commercial with SMS sending.. For example, "Send "dude" on number 4224 and get smth!" Sometimes the people who yield to this commercials are called Fools.. :) This is the message for those who don't want to be a fool:
"Don't wanna be a fool? Send SMS with "I don't wanna be a fool" on number 5005!!! The more SMS you send the more you are not a fool!!!" :D

LOL. Please send an SMS to ... to cast your vote for NN for American Idol. You may vote as many times as you wish. (Small print: each sms message costs xx cents.)

Uh, no, we won’t tell you how much money we make on those SMS votes.

johngpt

02-07-2008, 04:04 PM

Maybe we should scrap the current electoral system in the U.S. and try voting via SMS, just like American Idol?

New Mexico still hasn't finished counting the ballots from Tuesday's democratic caucus.

J Christopher

02-07-2008, 05:53 PM

Maybe we should scrap the current electoral system in the U.S. and try voting via SMS, just like American Idol?

Yes to the first part, no to the second part.

iampete

02-07-2008, 06:39 PM

While I tend to agree that the SMS messaging ads and the US election system are definitely jokes, I think the last few posts miss the basic intent of this particular thread.

To try to get back on topic, let me try the following:

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in weeks."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully replies, "You'd better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

setta

02-11-2008, 07:33 AM

This man goes to a bar with his dog. The guy goes

up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartenders

says, "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy

doesn't miss a beat. "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh man," the bartenders says, "I'm sorry. Here,

the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and

goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in

the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guy sees him,

stops him and says, "You can't bring that dog in

here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

The second man graciously thanks the first man

and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The

bartenders says, "Hey,
you can't bring that dog in here!" The second

man replies, "This is my seeing-eye dog." The

bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do

not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The

man pauses for a half-second and replies,

"WHAT?!? They gave me a Chihuahua?"

ArcticStones

02-16-2008, 08:57 AM

.
Courtesy of Phil:

This girl needed some money, so she is doing odd-jobs around her neighborhood. She decides she's not making enough money, so she goes to a rich neighborhood. She walks up to this house and rings the doorbell. The guy answers and tells her she can paint the porch. He gives her a can of paint and $25.

When he goes inside, his wife says, "$25! Does she know that the porch wraps all the way around the house?"

"Oh, she'll do fine." the guy says.

An hour later, the doorbell rings. It's the girl. She says, "I'm finished. I even had some extra paint, so I put another coat on."

The guy is surprised. Then the girl says, "Oh, and by the way, that's not a Porsche, that's a Ferrari."
.

Phil St. Romain

02-16-2008, 10:12 AM

Here's another good one, passed along to me by one of my daughters when she was in college several years ago:

-------

KIDS BOOKS YOU WILL NEVER SEE:

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild
Animals of North Amer-Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

"You Are Different and That's Bad"

"Dad's New Wife Timothy"

"POP! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games"

"Curious George and the High Voltage Fence"

"The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables"

"The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy"

"How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School"

"Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"

"Bi-Curious George"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

specter

02-18-2008, 06:35 AM

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"

This is the one that I like most=)

setta

02-19-2008, 03:45 AM

A duck goes into a bar and askes the bartender,

"You got any fish?" The bartender replies, "No,

this is a bar and we don't sell fish," so the duck

leaves. The next day, the duck goes back to the

bar and asks, "You got any fish?" The bartender

says, "I told you yesterday, this is a bar and we

don't sell fish!" The following day the duck returns

and says, "You got any fish?" The bartender loses

it, grabs the duck by the neck and screams,

"I TOLD YOU TWICE, THIS IS A BAR. WE

DON'T SELL FISH. IF YOU ASK
AGAIN, I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR WEBBED

FEET TO THE FLOOR!" The next day, the duck

goes into the bar and asks, "Got any nails?"

The bartender sighs and says, "No, we don't have

any nails." The duck says, "Good. Got any fish?"

specter

02-21-2008, 08:04 AM

This is a very funny joke, I'm sure it has been translated into many languages already. We have the one that is almost the same

ArcticStones

02-25-2008, 12:58 PM

.
This is the transcription of the actual radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, Ireland, in October of 1998.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse....................... Your move.

.

dzurn

02-25-2008, 02:36 PM

False.

http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp

ArcticStones

02-25-2008, 02:45 PM

False.

Ah, well. So all we’re left with is a good joke. ;)

specter

02-26-2008, 04:34 AM

Ah, well. So all we’re left with is a good joke. ;)
The joke is good, really. But I heard the variant of discussion between the American ship and Spanish lighthouse.

NovaScotian

03-04-2008, 11:15 AM

A Couple, Moe and Flo, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks "What can I do for you?"

Moe says, "Will you watch us make love?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, and charges them $50 and says goodbye.

The next week the couple return and ask the sex therapist to watch again. The therapist is a bit puzzled but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, they have intercourse with no problems, they pay the doctor and leave.

Finally after six weeks of this routine the doctor asks, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask, Just what are you two trying to find out?"

Moe says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married, and we can't go to her house. I'm married so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98, The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"

seeker777

03-05-2008, 01:26 PM

A missionary went to the jungle to teach natives to speak English.

One day, he went for a walk through the jungle with the local tribal Chief to teach him some new vocabulary words.

As they walked through the forest, the missionary pointed at a tree and said "tree." The Chief pointed at the tree, nodded, and said "tree."

They continued to walk, and a bird began to sing overhead. The missionary pointed at the bird, and said "bird." The Chief pointed at the bird, nodded to the missionary, and said "bird."

As they continued through the jungle, they heard some rustling in the bushes ahead. Upon investigation of the noise, they discovered a tribesman making love to a woman.

The missionary was horrified and didn't know what to say. After a moment, he pointed at the couple and stuttered "man riding bicycle." The Chief looked at the couple, pulled out his blow gun and shot them with poison darts. The missionary could not believe his eyes. He looked at the Chief and screamed "why did you do that?" The Chief pointed at the couple and said, "man riding my bicycle."

specter

03-07-2008, 10:01 AM

"man riding my bicycle."
A very good one=) Thanks

setta

03-14-2008, 05:24 AM

I remember one man asked me what the shortest joke I know.. After my silence he told -

Pinocchio went down in the river. (it's impossible - he is tree :)

Now I'm reading and it's not funny for me at all, but at that time I smiled :)

nikopolidis

03-14-2008, 07:19 AM

Ok, here comes nice joke from my native country, Russia:
Putin and Medvedev walk into a restaurant and order steak. The waiter then ask: "What about vegetables?" Puting replies: "Yeah, the vegetable will also have a steak." :D

johngpt

03-14-2008, 09:49 AM

What is an exchange of opinions?

When you walk into your boss's office with your opinion, and walk out with his.

specter

03-20-2008, 03:16 AM

A few nice sayings, that I translated myself into English:

*The fact that there are special institutions of confinement doesn't mean that there's no confinement everywhere else.
*Lots of people die without having said a single clever word or having done anything good in their entire life . And those guys tend to complain of life being transient!
*Money has no smell. But those who own it do.
*Money is a good servant, but a bad master.
*Financial abyss is the deepest of all. You can be falling down there for all your life

ArcticStones

03-20-2008, 06:34 AM

.
Florida
Definition: "A state of electoral confusion"

ArcticStones

03-20-2008, 06:36 AM

I remember one man asked me what the shortest joke I know...

Schizophrenic... who? Us?!

johngpt

03-20-2008, 08:07 AM

ArcticStones, my wife thinks your wife must be a saint.

specter

03-24-2008, 03:30 AM

ArcticStones, my wife thinks your wife must be a saint.
She really must be one! He spends too much time on the forums:)

ArcticStones

03-24-2008, 03:42 AM

ArcticStones, my wife thinks your wife must be a saint.

Hehe. I have many terms of endearment for her, but so far this isn’t one of them. Who knows whether your wife’s isn’t more descriptive... ;)

And re your other post: we do have exchanges of opinion

ArcticStones

03-27-2008, 07:04 PM

.
Son: Can I please have an encyclopaedia?
Dad: No, you can bloody well walk to school, like I had to when I was a kid.

johngpt

03-28-2008, 12:01 AM

From my wonderful sister.

Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one
thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, We're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed.
Then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a
solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have
taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my
house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.'
'My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'This may very well be the
solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi,
we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at
the other male parrot and exclaimed,

'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered.'

johngpt

03-28-2008, 12:03 AM

I should have waited until I read her next email. This one I liked so much more.

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

specter

03-28-2008, 07:43 AM

johngpt

03-28-2008, 08:41 AM

The one with the parrots was great!

Sorry to spoil the fun, but could you give me some explanations about the previous joke?
I don't fully understand it, because I think I don't know the meanings of "push" and "swing" in this context.
thanks
Once upon a time...
When cars wouldn't start, we could push them, pop the clutch, and the engine would turn over. Later, even when cars wouldn't customarily do that, we might need a push, to get them off the road, or back onto the road, or you get the drift. "Needing a push" inferred that we needed help with the car.

Well, when we were kids, we needed help on the swing to get going.

Less confusing? :)

cwtnospam

03-28-2008, 08:42 AM

Push can also refer to pushing a car to jump start it. ;)

seeker777

03-28-2008, 12:09 PM

Specter-

The "push" is to "move" the car forward, usually when stuck.

And the "swing" is a child's playground ride, where a "push" can get them started.

johngpt

03-28-2008, 02:42 PM

Seeker, you're brilliant!

seeker777

03-28-2008, 07:34 PM

John, I tried to show my wife what you wrote, but she insists I don't get your joke...:p

P.S. Both are good, but I really got a laugh out of the parrot joke. Thanks.

specter

03-30-2008, 05:33 AM

Thanks for the input!

I knew that "push" has got the car-meaning, but my problem was the "swing". I thought this word also had some connection with cars.

Now everything is absolutely clear, thank you all!a

setta

03-31-2008, 03:45 AM

I had the same misunderstanding as specter. Thanks everybody for the joke and for its explanation!

specter

03-31-2008, 04:03 PM

I had the same misunderstanding as specter. Thanks everybody for the joke and for its explanation!
Glad to hear that I'm not the only one here with language problems:D

Felix_MC

03-31-2008, 06:16 PM

Tech : Hi, Tech Support my I help you ?

Client : Yes my system can not read the CD I just put in.

Tech : Ok, I can help you, First I would like you to go to "My Computer"

Cleint : What’s your address.........

Felix_MC

03-31-2008, 06:17 PM

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

johngpt

04-01-2008, 11:57 PM

This one came from my wife, the RN. As you'll no doubt understand.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

‘Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, sir!!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely... 

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'