Post your fav Joke [Archive] - Page 3 - The macosxhints Forums

johngpt

04-05-2008, 12:11 AM

Here's another from that amazing sister of mine.

Best 'Out of Office' Automatic Email Replies:

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over...)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.

Photek

04-05-2008, 04:06 PM

Life in the Future...

not a joke... but a funny clip non the less...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdYDREry3do&feature=related

ArcticStones

04-08-2008, 01:03 PM

.
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.

Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

ArcticStones

04-08-2008, 04:47 PM

.
A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

A will is defined as a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In a democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your Count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

.

Photek

04-08-2008, 04:57 PM

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes

(I am sure I have quoted that Jimmy Carr line before in this thread)

Photek

04-08-2008, 05:07 PM

A man was driving along when he noticed a four legged chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 20 mph...... He accelerated to 30, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 55 mph, and the just chicken passed him.
He followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had four legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said "Well...... everybody likes chicken legs......... so I bred a four-legged bird...... I'm going to be a millionaire!!"
"How do they taste?"... asked the man.... The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't managed to catch one yet."

johngpt

04-08-2008, 07:08 PM

Felix_MC

04-08-2008, 09:27 PM

Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
I think I'm a bit slow today.. I don't get it.. anyone care to explain :)?

johngpt

04-09-2008, 12:03 AM

It's a pun, about transporting "girls" across "state lines" for "immoral purposes" being illegal.

ArcticStones' sense of humor can, at times, be very pun-ishing.

Felix_MC

04-09-2008, 06:58 AM

It's a pun, about transporting "girls" across "state lines" for "immoral purposes" being illegal.

ArcticStones' sense of humor can, at times, be very pun-ishing.

Ahh.. I get it now :D
Thx for the explanation :)

xhuntedgunzpcgx

04-09-2008, 09:18 AM

whats the difference between a bucket of .... JK im not like that. ;/

johngpt

04-09-2008, 10:53 AM

Is a paradigm shift when you take two dimes from one pocket and put them in the other?

walchan99

04-10-2008, 01:48 AM

There's this picket fence. Standing on one side is Elsie the cow, and on the other side Ferdinand the handsome bull. Elsie winks coquettishly at Ferdinand. All fired up, he leaps over the fence. Elsie sidles over to Ferdinand and asks, "Hello, aren't you Ferdinand the Bull?"

"Just call me Ferdinand. The fence was higher than I thought."

seeker777

04-11-2008, 01:33 PM

ArcticStones,

Great observations. Many are pretty good, but I laughed out loud three times. Excellent.

ArcticStones

04-11-2008, 03:45 PM

ArcticStones,
Great observations. Many are pretty good, but I laughed out loud three times. Excellent.

Aren’t they though?
I wish I could take credit for some of them, but I’m afraid not. :o

raymondlewisjone

04-11-2008, 04:57 PM

Okay it's finally time for me to post one:

One day, God and the Devil were walking on opposite sides of a wall that separates heaven and hell. They both came to a hole in the wall and looked at each other thru it. God said "One of your guys must have done this. He must have wanted to come in to heaven. You are responsible for fixing it.". The Devil said "WHY would one of my guys want to go over there, that's crazy. They get to do whatever they want over here. It must have been one of your guys. You should fix it.". God thought that this could go on forever, so he said "Forget it, I am going to get a lawyer and we'll settle this.". The Devil replied "Where are YOU gonna get a lawyer".

johngpt

04-11-2008, 08:39 PM

The Devil replied "Where are YOU gonna get a lawyer".

Certainly not from the ACLU. :D

aehurst

04-12-2008, 12:41 PM

A young bachelor decides it is time to get married. There are three young ladies he finds particularly fine candidates, but he has trouble selecting just the right one. So, he devises a test to see which one would make the better life partner and bring him the greatest happiness. He gives them each $1000 to see how they would manage the money.

The blonde kept half the money and spent the other half on a gift for the young man. A noble gesture.

The redhead spent all the money on a gift for the young man. A most generous gesture.

The brunette invested all the money to build a nest egg for the family's future. A wise, prudent choice.

So, which one did the young bachelor choose to become his bride?

After considerable thought, he married the one with the biggest boobs and lived happily every after.

hughvane

04-13-2008, 09:48 PM

As the dentist leaned forward, drill in hand, the little old lady in the chair reached out, gently cupped his cajones in her hand and said: "We aren't going to hurt each other are we, Doctor?"

I thought that story was attributed to the actress Elizabeth Taylor! :)

hughvane

04-13-2008, 10:13 PM

.
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand
etc, etc,
Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar!"

Oh no, not a Kiwi joke - from Norway? I am deeply offended (not!) :D

It was a miserable winter's day, rain pouring down, and three elderly stockmen (shepherds) were at the local country hotel, supping quietly on their pints of beer, their dogs lying quietly steaming on the massive stone hearth in front of the roaring open fire.

Needing something to discuss, one of the shepherds said, "I'll bet that dog of mine there is the best!"
Shepherd No 2 said, "Oh? And how's that?"
"He does everything I want him to do without my saying a word, I just whistle."
"That's pretty impressive," said No 2, "but mine can do better. My dog's a mind-reader. I don't have to say a word, or whistle, I just think what I need done, and the dog does it."
The third shepherd sat silently until No 2 prompted him, "C'mon Jack, tell us about your dog and what he can do."
"He's not only a better dog at sheep and cattle work than either of your two mutts, he's also a blacksmith."
Thinking Jack had drunk a little too much brown liquid, the others jeered at him and demanded an explanation.
"Well," said Jack, "one of you get that poker from the wood bin and stick it in the embers of the fire until the metal is good and hot. Then jam the poker into my dog's backside - and he'll make a spring for your balls and a bolt for the door!"

hughvane

04-13-2008, 11:18 PM

Here I think is the cleverest joke I read in all of 2007:

It was the annual Spring festival in Darwin, Australia. Included in the festivities was the Cerebral Challenge. The contest this particular year was to compose a 4-line rhyming poem at one minute's notice, on a topic chosen at random by the Master of Ceremonies. During the day, contestants came and went, until finally it was down to just two contestants, one a bright young university graduate, the other a wizened old Aboriginal stockman.

The MC drew from the shoebox a card on which was written the word 'Timbuktu' The crowd gasped. The old stockman probably didn't know such a place existed, let alone compose a poem about it. After one minute the bell rang and the eager young man leapt forward, aglow with academic superiority.
"Behold, the desert camel train
Beneath the sky so blue
These noble men and animals
Are bound for Timbuktu."

The crowd loved it. Up stepped the old Aborigine.
"Me and Tim a-hunting went
Found some girls camping in a pup tent
They was three and we was two
So I bucked one while Timbuktu!"

johngpt

04-13-2008, 11:42 PM

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

johngpt

04-13-2008, 11:45 PM

A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but Saran wrap. The doc looks up from his notes and says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

johngpt

04-13-2008, 11:46 PM

If you jumped off a bridge in Paris, you'd clearly be in Seine.

hughvane

04-14-2008, 01:12 AM

An African chief became more and more constipated. All attempts to flush out the offending objects were useless, and it was feared the chief would waste away. Finally his 5th and favourite wife said to him "O noble chief and husband, I hear that in a faraway village there is a great shaman who can cure all ills. Let us go and see him."

And so they did. The shaman examined the chief and pronounced a remedy for his illness. "You must eat twice daily the seed pods from the leaves of this palm tree and you will be cured."

The chief did as he was advised and within two days his constipation was gone. The moral of the story is "with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

>>

In Philadephia the Tates watch and clock company is well-known. What is not appreciated is a dark period in their history when the nephew of the company founder prevailed on his uncle to allow him to try manufacturing compasses in order to complement the company's line of timepieces. For about 3 years Tates produced a limited number of portable compasses that were, to put it kindly, utterly inaccurate, causing numerous people to lose their way when tramping in the hills. These unfortunate events gave rise to the saying that "he who has a Tate's is lost".

hughvane

04-14-2008, 01:15 AM

A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but Saran wrap. The doc looks up from his notes and says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

A man walked into the doctor's rooms shouting, "Doctor, help me, quickly, I'm shrinking!"
"Please go and take a seat in the waiting room Mr Jones, I'm very busy, you'll just have to be a little patient!"

Felix_MC

05-05-2008, 10:57 PM

Pulled from a mypsace bulletin.. though it was pretty funny :p:

kay so a guy is
near the
end of his
senior
year in high school..

Unfortunately,
he still has to share a room with his
younger
brother who is only 9
years
old.

One night, he decides to bring his
girlfriend home
for a little fun.

They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that
his little
brother is already
asleep
on the lower bunk, so he and his
girlfriend climb
up
to the top bunk.

As you
might expect things start to heat up.

The guy remembers that his little brother
is
sleeping below so he tells
his
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants
it
harder and "tomato" if
she
wants a new position.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

She screams.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Whoa!!!

PULL IT OUT!!!

PULL IT OUT NOW!!!

I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey,
would you
guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting
mayonnaise
all over my
face!*!*!*!*!

Felix_MC

06-18-2008, 08:55 PM

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 ½ inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

Felix_MC

06-18-2008, 09:01 PM

A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."

The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."

The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."

The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes"

Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."

ArcticStones

06-25-2008, 06:01 AM

johngpt

06-25-2008, 04:55 PM

.
Sorry folks, I just can’t resist linking to this one (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aj7f3B1VCYM).

A fine example of how flawed perception can impair our ability to react in a meaningful way -- be it on the football field or on the political stage...
ArcticStones, that was just hysterical. Thank you.

Edit: been sending that link to all our footballer friends.

NovaScotian

06-25-2008, 05:08 PM

Excellent at all levels. :D

Photek

06-25-2008, 05:29 PM

kel101

06-26-2008, 05:18 AM

crying with laughter :D

reminds me of takeshis castle

Motz86

06-26-2008, 11:01 AM

Did you hear about the guy that was afraid of snakes?
One day he was walking through the forest and picked up a snake to kill a stick !

seeker777

06-26-2008, 12:08 PM

After that build up, I went to the link, and the video is "no longer available":(

johngpt

06-26-2008, 01:11 PM

I just now clicked on it, and it worked.

ArcticStones

09-06-2008, 03:34 AM

.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

ArcticStones

09-06-2008, 03:49 AM

.
This is perhaps one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and the Australian General Peter Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters…

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers!

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

johngpt

09-06-2008, 08:20 AM

ArcticStones...

As always...

Thank you!

seeker777

09-08-2008, 01:02 PM

ArcticStones- Thank you for the belly laugh. Have a great day.

NovaScotian

09-08-2008, 01:22 PM

Had to print this for my wife. :LOL:

dexterbip

09-08-2008, 06:02 PM

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No problem boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What’s happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I’ve known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the f*#k’s that on the balcony with Dave?"

fazstp

09-08-2008, 08:21 PM

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

reeserv

09-08-2008, 09:43 PM

-----I got a letter from Grandma the other day. She wrote...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is ... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his
window and screamed, "For the love of GOD!! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach".... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing.... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on
through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the
intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I
had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car
down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck
sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

stewiesno1

10-07-2008, 09:52 PM

MESSAGE FROM, HRH THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,''labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S.English.. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse..

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies)..

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

Stewie ( actually sent to me by a Canadian - so blame him ! ) ;-)

Felix_MC

10-07-2008, 10:04 PM

That was the funniest thing I've read in a long time :D

fazstp

10-07-2008, 11:05 PM

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

efficient |iˈfi sh ənt|
adjective
(esp. of a system or machine) achieving maximum productivity with minimum wasted effort or expense.

johngpt

10-07-2008, 11:30 PM

Efficient

As in, "where's Jethro gone to?"

"Efficient, an' caught a passle 'o bass on that dadgum lake!"

ArcticStones

10-09-2008, 02:04 PM

.
Enjoy this Triumph commercial (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKEuzxC4eGc).:cool:

johngpt

10-09-2008, 11:41 PM

That was great!

Thank you.

stewiesno1

10-12-2008, 06:33 PM

Subject: Wall Street crisis

Following the financial crisis on Wall Street uncertainty has now hit the banking sector in Japan.

In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

A spokesman for Haiku Holdings was lost for words over the financial crisis, while according to rumours Nippon Bank was starting to feel the pinch.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared staff may get a raw deal.
Meanwhile Geisha Bank has bowed to the inevitable and shut.

One trader lamented: "It's all gone to Shiitake."

Stewie

stewiesno1

10-12-2008, 06:38 PM

That is a great commercial AS.
It's good to see a company not taking themselves too seriously.

Stewie

johngpt

10-12-2008, 11:06 PM

stewiesno1, great stuff!

stewiesno1

10-24-2008, 08:50 PM

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
__________________

Stewie

johngpt

10-24-2008, 10:00 PM

Ouch!

:D:D

Photek

11-02-2008, 07:46 AM

I went to see Jimmy Carr in Oxford last night... he was very funny...

The Worlds shortest jokes......... "Venisons Deer, Isn't it?" :D

I saw my neighbour in the garden digging.

I asked, "what are you up to mate?"

He replied, "I'm going to dig a really deep hole, fill it with water and have a bucket we can send down to get the water if ever we need it."

I thought, "I'll leave him to it,...... he means well..." :D

First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Then they gave me hypodermics.

Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.

I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

I don't know how I pulled through it..

It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had. :D

Wanted:
A tall well built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia gaden, classical music and tal-
king without getting too serious
but please only read lines 1, 3 and 5 :D

ArcticStones

11-02-2008, 10:01 AM

The Worlds shortest jokes......... "Venisons Deer, Isn't it?"

Nah, this one is shorter:

"Schizophrenic? Us?!"

johngpt

11-02-2008, 11:49 AM

"Doh!"

;)

Photek

11-02-2008, 03:32 PM

Nah, this one is shorter:

"Schizophrenic? Us?!"

Dwarf shortage!

ArcticStones

12-24-2008, 03:53 AM

"Yes, Your Honor, that is the man who sexually harassed me at Macy’s. The handcuffed fellow in the funny red suit and with the long white beard.

He is the one who called me "hoe" three times in front of my children!"

Woodsman

12-24-2008, 06:06 AM

Nah, this one is shorter:

"Schizophrenic? Us?!"

Pretentious, moi?

Mikey-San

12-24-2008, 06:20 AM

I went to see Jimmy Carr in Oxford last night... he was very funny...

Speaking of Jimmy Carr, I came across these earlier:

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=N_8oaimyDpo
and
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=woKSSwxnFmM&NR=1

Moral: Heckling the guy with the mic is usually a bad idea.

reeserv

12-24-2008, 09:09 AM

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing .
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

johngpt

12-25-2008, 01:27 PM

reeserv

01-09-2009, 05:53 PM

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive - so I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....

------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started...

------
My wife is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to me 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.

------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first; "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

ArcticStones

01-19-2009, 02:24 AM

.
Princess Sophie and Prince Edward were talking to the Queen about a holiday in the US, on a really bad telephone line:

"So, where are..srgt...going...holiday?" asked the Queen.

"I believe it will be Aspen, for a few days of skiing" replied Sophie.

"W..er.th...fkl...dedx...hat?" said the Queen

"It's near Denver in Colorado" Sophie answered, bewildered at the Queen's lack of geographical knowledge.

"No, I said 'Wear the fox hat!'" shouted the Queen.

stewiesno1

01-21-2009, 02:30 PM

OK. So this happened a few weeks before Christmas but here goes.
Not really inappropriate but damned funny never the less.
Just around the corner from my place amongst a couple of other houses is one where there is a family with two young tearaways about 7 and 9 years old. They usually hang out with another neighbourhood kid whose about the same age and they are always out the front kicking a footy around, doing wheelstands on their scooters, painting the neighbours cat, slamming their bikes into neighbours cars, vandalising letterboxes etc etc. You just know at some point in their lives, these little shits are going to be visited by the cops. Sooner rather than later.
They've never bothered me as I live at least 6 houses away but I have heard a few grumblings from others in the area.
Anyway, a few weeks before the " incident " these guys have taken to mooning all and sundry who pass by if they are out the front.
First they saw me and gave me the full ass view as I drove by. I laughed and carried on.
A couple of days later my partner and daughter drove past and the same thing amusing both although my seven year old said " Dad , that's a bit rude isn't it ".
So again a few days after this I drive by and of course the little buggers decide to drop their daks and give Stewie an early moonrise.
Well one of them didn't think it through because he was up against the fence at the time and dropped his strides on the run and spun around rear first towards me, to join the other two who were closer to the road than he was.
He took a couple of steps then overbalanced and ended up arse first on the ground.
Now most places this would have been OK but where he landed was where the embankment drops away at about 30º towards the road and is mostly rock.
We're not talking nice smooth rock here of course, Oh no, but Hawkesbury sandstone that is about the same roughness as 20 grit sandpaper and it had been hacked out by rockbreaker when they cut the road through, so it had nice big corrugations too.
Well the upshot of this is that this young guy slid about eight feet arse first using his buttcheeks as a brake.
I slowed right down , looking in the rear view mirror and saw him stand up and howl with pain , his arse bleeding like hell.
Honestly he couldn't have done more damage if he had of lowered his rear end into a blender and turned it on full throttle.
I don't think he was going to have a very good Christmas somehow.
It made me laugh though.
Ha, at least when I mooned people when I was a young tacker at least I made sure I was on level ground !

Stewie

reeserv

01-23-2009, 05:31 PM

Mrs. Underhill, a very elderly woman calls her doctor to make an appointment and finds that he is retiring and has taken on a new much younger associate. She makes an appointment to see the younger doctor and is instructed to bring a list of all the medications she is currently taking. The day comes for her appointment and the doctor is looking over her list of medications. As he goes over the list he gets to one item and looks up and says, Mrs. Underhill, do you know this medication is for birth control? She replies, yes I do, it helps me sleep. Helps you sleep he says, how does it do that. Well, she says, every morning I grind it up and put it in a glass of orange juice and give it to my granddaughter and every night I sleep very well.

acamela

01-25-2009, 07:27 PM

oooo let's see, favorite joke...

"Windows XP"

Nice, I agree.

johngpt

01-25-2009, 09:35 PM

Hmmm, favorite joke: windows xp.

I think actually vista is funnier.

baf

01-25-2009, 11:06 PM

Even funnier:
People paying for Vista.........

Mielke

01-30-2009, 12:43 AM

Principal: "Students, You must sleep at least 7 hours a day.
Students: "Impossible Sir! College is only for 6 hours!"

ArcticStones

01-30-2009, 06:02 PM

Principal: "Students, You must sleep at least 7 hours a day.
Students: "Impossible Sir! College is only for 6 hours!"

Good one! Here in Norway I have heard this version:

Public employees who feel 7.5 hours sleep is insufficient...
...are encouraged to get additional rest at home.

mcal

02-04-2009, 05:30 PM

Driving test
Student driver: Did I pass officer?
Police officer: Yes, two police cars and F-16 on landing

stewiesno1

02-19-2009, 02:43 PM

Why some men have dogs and not wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice or care if you call it by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.

4. A dogs parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you " If I died , would you get another
dog ? "

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog lets you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad - they just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

14. If a dog leaves , it won't take half your stuff.

Photek

02-19-2009, 03:12 PM

brad 2k9

02-19-2009, 03:52 PM

how do u make a door laugh?
tickle its nob

stewiesno1

02-19-2009, 05:45 PM

Then you will probably like this Photek as well...

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'the rules' - usually with a wagging finger for emphasis from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note: these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1.Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, You probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If you aren't happy with your new haircut, chances are we're not too keen on it either.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, the shotgun formation, or BASKETBALL.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.
Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

Stewie :D

fazstp

02-19-2009, 06:15 PM

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

I have to admit this one definitely applies to me. I'm oblivious to hints (unless they're posted on a website :rolleyes:).

aehurst

02-19-2009, 09:03 PM

These are from Marvin.... man's answer to Maxine.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be open when she brings it.
------------------------

Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-------------------------

Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------

Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me......'
--------------------------

Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------

Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first?
A. The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
--------------------------

Q. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
A. It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
-----------------------------

Maxine's response: "Wipe your mouth Marvin, there's still a little BS around the lips."

02-19-2009, 09:54 PM

Aehurst, you forgot Maxine's come-back:

Q: Why do women have such poor depth perception?
A: because throughout human history they've been told that this: |---------| was six inches.

reeserv

02-20-2009, 08:30 PM

The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years..

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'

Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

aehurst

02-20-2009, 08:40 PM

Now THAT is FUNNY !!

Woodsman

02-21-2009, 03:41 AM

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

You mean Aussie girls can take a joke? Wow, when's the next plane down?

Woodsman

02-21-2009, 03:48 AM

I have to admit this one definitely applies to me. I'm oblivious to hints (unless they're posted on a website :rolleyes:).

Me too. I wonder why people make use of subtle hints at all. I can think of two main reasons:

1. People who are themselves wildly oversensitive do not wish to elicit bad reactions from others by a direct correction, request or whatever. It works okay, "among consenting adults in private".
2. They hint, knowing that you won't pick it up, thus creating a casus belli.

aehurst

02-21-2009, 10:57 AM

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust.'

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor!'

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

ArcticStones

02-21-2009, 11:16 AM

That’s beautiful, Aehurst! :D

reeserv

02-21-2009, 05:36 PM

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its butt.'

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

reeserv

02-21-2009, 05:50 PM

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the holy land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance..

aehurst

02-21-2009, 08:52 PM

Question: What do you get if you cross a jackass and an onion?

Answer: Nine times out of ten you get a really, really stubborn onion. But, once in a great while, you get a piece of a** so good it brings tears to your eyes.

stewiesno1

02-21-2009, 10:29 PM

You mean Aussie girls can take a joke? Wow, when's the next plane down?

Some Aussie girls Woodsman, some - not all.
I showed these snippets to my partner who wasn't impressed.

Stewie

Photek

02-22-2009, 04:13 AM

Woodsman

02-22-2009, 07:20 AM

Some Aussie girls Woodsman, some - not all.
I showed these snippets to my partner who wasn't impressed.

While she gets to tell even crueller man jokes in mixed company? Or maybe she's like one of my best mates, who dislikes gender hazing in both directions. A very respectable position!

02-23-2009, 12:32 AM

changing directions a bit (this thread has fallen too far into the gender-wars gutter). so...

On the day Jesus arrived in Galilee, the Pharisees there decided they really needed to trip him up. They went and found a prostitute, dragged her over to where Jesus was preaching, and challenged him. they said "Jesus, this woman is a prostitute, and according to the laws of Moses we should stone her to death. Yet you are always preaching that we should love each other and be kind, and all that sort of stuff. So what should we do: obey the law of Moses and stone her, or listen to you and let her go free with our blessings?"

Jesus thought about it a minute, finally saying "Fine. We shouldn't disobey the laws of Moses. BUT, it should only be executed by those who are pure of heart. So, let he among you who is completely without sin be the first to cast a stone."

The Pharisees looked at each other helplessly for a few moments, but then a little old lady in the front of the crowd got up, pickup up a paving stone, and tossed it, killing the prostitute dead. at that, Jesus threw up his arms in despair and said "Ah, dammit Ma, would you quit doing that!"

and for the really lowbrow joke:

Q: What did Jesus do when he went to the motel?
A: He tossed a couple of nails on the desk and said "can you put me up for the night?"

hyuckhyuckhyuck...

Woodsman

02-23-2009, 06:03 AM

Not so much a joke as social realism, perhaps....

Customer: Can you explain to me how insurance works?
Insurer: You pay us money.
Customer: OK, then what happens then?
Insurer: That's it, really.

reeserv

02-23-2009, 06:06 PM

CHILDREN ARE STILL THE GREATEST STORY TELLERS

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale
and gave all my money to the church,
Would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile.
Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"
I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them.
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out,
"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

reeserv

02-23-2009, 06:35 PM

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him."

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."

"Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.

The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."

aehurst

03-08-2009, 06:34 PM

South Dakota Police

GOOD

A Madison, SD policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Sioux Falls, SD. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST

A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A South Dakota State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "South Dakota State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

johngpt

03-08-2009, 09:29 PM

South Dakota Police
BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Sioux Falls, SD. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
I really enjoyed this one.

03-08-2009, 09:32 PM

I really enjoyed this one.

hunh. I wonder if the motorist did... :)

stewiesno1

03-13-2009, 07:51 PM

The Great Outdoors:

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After 6 months of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from 40 miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night.... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you.... There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

-------------------------
The Applicant:

A man is seeking to join the Police force -
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six terrorists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

Stewie

johngpt

03-13-2009, 08:49 PM

"Why the rabbit?"

LMAO!
Thank you!

ArcticStones

03-17-2009, 06:26 PM

.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed.

It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Flaherty. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Flaherty, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

fazstp

03-17-2009, 07:05 PM

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

Maybe I need another coffee. I was a little slow on the comprehension. When I read that I pictured a dead bird and wondered why he would bother the police. Then I considered jackass as meaning brainless prankster and it kind of didn't seem funny considering some dead kid. When I checked my dictionary and saw it also means male donkey it finally clicked.

ArcticStones

03-17-2009, 07:39 PM

Yeah, language does change, at least the denotations that immediately come to mind.

One of the very best comedians to "play" with language was George Carlin -- in my opinion a master linguist. Check out his take on Football and baseball (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmXacL0Uny0). Classic!

blubbernaut

03-17-2009, 11:51 PM

"Why the rabbit?"

LOL

I bet there's another, less-nice version of that one!

johngpt

03-18-2009, 12:53 AM

ArcticStones

03-18-2009, 08:05 AM

.
Did you hear about the frustrated man who divorced his ever-complaining 45-year-old-wife and married his 26-year-old mistress?

He called it a software upgrade.

Did you hear about the man who kicked his 40-year-old wife out ouf the house, and replaced her with som stunning 20-year-old-twins?

He called it upgrading to a dual processor.

Did you hear about the CEO who finally kicked out her lazy 50-year-old husband, and invited her handsome 24-year-old plumber to share her abode?

She deemed it a much-needed hardware upgrade.

stewiesno1

03-20-2009, 07:47 PM

A blind man cautiously walks into a bar and orders a drink. After
sitting there for a while, he shouts to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you
tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair... given that you are
blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weight-lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional
wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell
that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Stewie

tlarkin

03-25-2009, 07:30 PM

johngpt

03-25-2009, 09:04 PM

fazstp

03-25-2009, 09:11 PM

Not really a joke, but read through the consumer comments on this ridiculously priced audio cable

http://www.amazon.com/Denon-AKDL1-Dedicated-Link-Cable/product-reviews/B000I1X6PM/

Read the comments, they are hilarious.

LOL. And if the $500 price tag is too much for you there is a used one for $2499

Some NS links on the subject;
Hi-fi Follies (http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg19926692.500-feedback.html)
The $500 Cable (http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg19926662.400-feedback.html)
Hi-fi Bunkum (http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg19626262.600-feedback.html)

tlarkin

03-25-2009, 11:16 PM

This is probably my favorite one:

This connection isn't sound. If my calculations are correct, it should be sometime around 2007 for whomever is reading this. DO NOT USE THESE CABLES. Something... happens with them. Something came through, something from somewhere else. We were overrun in days, not many of us are left. WE LIVE UNDERGROUND! ONLY YOU CAN STOP IT NOW. SAVE US. DO NOT USE THESE CABLES.

I don't have much time. This connection isn't sound. If my calculations are correct, it should be--

stewiesno1

04-16-2009, 03:29 PM

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the
envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
'Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos,
her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am..
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we
will be very happy.. She owns a trailer in the woods,
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of
having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves,
and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine
and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
many grandchildren.
Love, your son,
*Joshua.*
*P.S.* Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Stewie

Woodsman

04-17-2009, 03:11 AM

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home.

That was cute! Reminded me of a discussion I had with a woman once, about parents who lack perspective, so that an offspring who gets good grades, does not drink, does not do drugs, does not crash the car, does not get into police trouble, does not get pregnant or get anyone else pregnant and so forth, is still considered a Problem Child. Because the parents need him or her to be one, so that they can enjoy the martyrdom.

stewiesno1

04-17-2009, 02:51 PM

And I wish I had this letter to give to my parents when a couple of my school reports weren't up to the required standard.

Stewie

ArcticStones

04-23-2009, 02:24 AM

.
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."

stewiesno1

04-27-2009, 09:26 PM

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep! . It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other,
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some
miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same
door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -
canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other
dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on
the front door:

TO VISITORS WHO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..

Stewie

ArcticStones

08-19-2009, 02:13 PM

08-19-2009, 04:14 PM

.
Found this while searching for other things:

"The Health Insurance Industry has concluded that the leading cause of death is birth. They are going to exclude all claims because Birth was a pre-existing condition."
.

lol - maybe this is the way for Obama to get around the whole health care debacle. rather than trying to institute national health care, he ought to just get the government to issue a warrantee with every social security number. service for problems or defective parts covered up to so many thousands of dollars; extended coverage for people who get regular checkups; doesn't apply to upgrades (new plastic parts, and etc); warrantee void if the machine is handled in dangerous and unapproved ways.

can I reframe things, or what? :D

Jay Carr

08-19-2009, 09:56 PM

08-19-2009, 10:13 PM

@tw -- Hrm, your analogy makes me want to make sure that all of my children are "manufactured" in Japan... I'm learning the language, maybe that can be arranged.

(Just to make this joke even worse, consider my last name... :rolleyes:)

lol... well, let me just give you a little fatherly advice. trying to set up an assembly line production system has obvious attractions, and is clearly more efficient, but it is bound to produce some unpleasant working environments down the road (particularly if the 'workers' start to unionize). best to stick with a small business model in this case. ;)

warragul

08-20-2009, 01:52 AM

Read Tom Lehrer's book, "Raising Children for Fun and Profit". *

Life, it is said, is a sexually-transmitted terminal disease.

* Title is joke - book does not actually exist. :)

ArcticStones

10-25-2009, 06:02 AM

.
One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pope. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his bag and began working on it.

"This is fantastic", thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?

The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. The gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
.

ArcticStones

10-25-2009, 06:08 AM

.
Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! I figured, what the heck, give her a call.

"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"

"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
.

johngpt

10-25-2009, 10:43 AM

These brought smiles on a chilly Sunday morning.

Thank you!

reeserv

10-25-2009, 05:09 PM

Heard on the Radio.

I selected Windows 7 on my Sleep Number bed and now I have bugs and no support.

fazstp

10-25-2009, 08:05 PM

Got this one in a spam but thought it was funny;

Christmas Dinner (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DUvw09OqM4)

johngpt

10-25-2009, 08:31 PM

You're right. It's good. :)

The narrator sounds a lot like Walter Brennan. I don't think it was really him, but, there's a wonderful resemblance.

ArcticStones

10-26-2009, 03:09 AM

.
Gaberlunzie -- (definition) A wandering beggar or a harmless hobo.

Girouettism -- (def.) Altering one's opinions to match public trends.

Labeorphilist -- (def.) A collector of beer bottles.

Latrinology -- (def.) The study of writings on restroom walls.

Lopadotemachoselachogaleokranioleipsanodrimhypotrimmatosilphioparaomelitokatakech -- (def.) A goulash composed of all the leftovers from the meals of the leftovers from the meals of the last two weeks.

Osmidrosiphobia - def.) A fear of body odour or sweat.

Xylopyrography -- (def.) The art of making patterns in wood using a hot poker.
.

NovaScotian

10-26-2009, 10:10 AM

For those who are fans of quotes, try running this AppleScript:
-- Get a quote if possible
try
tell application "http://boyzoid.com/comp/randomQuote.cfc"
set aQuote to call soap {method name:"GetQuote", parameters:{HTMLFormat:false}}
end tell
set aList to |item| of aQuote
repeat with anItem in aList
if |key| of anItem is "AUTHOR" then
set auth to value of anItem
end if
if |key| of anItem is "QUOTE" then
set quot to value of anItem
end if
end repeat
set ourQuote to quot & return & " -- " & auth
on error anError
set ourQuote to false
end try
if ourQuote is not false then display dialog ourQuote

aehurst

11-02-2009, 11:26 AM

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked, "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Bailout Program.

p.s. Limit all politicians to two terms.... one in office and one in prison. Illinois already does this.