Post your fav Joke

[Photek]

Inspired by the 'post a picture of yourself' post I figure why not inject a bit of humor into our lives with a few jokes!

I will kick it off with an oldie but a goldie!

Superman it bored out of his mind sat at home one afternoon, he calls spiderman to see if he wants to go out for a few beers but Spidie replies 'nah man I am sorting out my webs' He calls the Incredible Hulk, 'Hulk what you doing, do you want to come out for some beers and pull some women?' Hulk replies no, he's putting on his green body paint..... Superman gives up and fly's around the world a few time, all of a sudden, with his long range vision he spots wonderwoman...NAKED.. on a beach, he flies down (at lightspeed) and he is in and out in a millisecond. Wonderwoman shouts out 'What the hell was that?' and the invisible man says 'I don't know but my arse hurts!'

[fat elvis]

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?

A: With a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?

A: Hold it's trunk until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun

yes, a child told me that

[styrafome]

Q. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. The fish...

[kawliga]

Did you hear the one about the Windows user who was so stupid the other Windows users noticed?

[chutem]

Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?

A: To stomp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?

A: To stomp out flaming ducks.

[Photek]

o dear god, this is terrible......

lets try another

the seven dwarfs were in bed feeling happy, happy got out of bed so they felt grumpy!


or...

Q - how do elephants hide in cherry trees?

A - paint their balls red

Q - whats the loudest noise in the jungle?

A - Monkeys eating cherrys!

[fat elvis]

I heard this on the radio...it was voted the "best joke in history"

Q: What's brown and sticky

A: A stick

[styrafome]

oooo let's see, favorite joke...

"Windows XP"

[voldenuit]

About exactly how much sense word-filters make:

Quote: *** Now talking in #christian -Word_of_God- Welcome Abstruse to #christian I am a Bible Bot. For more info type: /msg Word_of_God !info <Abstruse> !kjv numbers 22:21 <Word_of_God>* Numbers 22:21 -- And Balaam rose up in the morning, and saddled his ass, and went with the princes of Moab. -* (KJV) *** SageRider sets mode: +b *!*@c211-30-208-111.rivrw3.nsw.optusnet.com.au *** Word_of_God was kicked from #christian by SageRider (Please dont Swear) <Abstruse> I know I'm never going to be able to come back in this channel again after this, but damn was it worth it to see that...

From bash.org.

[CAlvarez]

These two hydrogen atoms are walking into a bar, when one turns to the other and says, "Ah, damn, I've lost my electron."

The other asks, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah," he says, "I'm positive."

[ArcticStones]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

The blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?"

[GregDunn]

Quote: Originally Posted by fat elvis I heard this on the radio...it was voted the "best joke in history" Q: What's brown and sticky A: A stick

Naaaah.... it's

Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell?

A: DUNG!

[bramley]

[i]A neutron walks into a bar and orders a pint.

"What's the charge?" it asks the barman.

"Charge? There's no charge," he replies.

[ii]A chicken walks into a library, and looks up at the librarian.

"What do you want?" the librarian asks. "Book book book book" the chicken says.

So the librarian gives the chicken some books and it goes away.

Next day, it comes back. Again it says "Book book book book", and the librarian gives it some more books, and it goes away. This goes on for some time until finally the librarian decides that he'd better follow the chicken and find out what's going on.

He follows the chicken across town, over the bridge, and deep, deep into the forest. In a clearing in the forest, he watches the chicken walk up to a pond. On a lily sits a frog. The chicken shows the frog the books, and to each book the frog goes "reddit reddit reddit reddit."

[NovaScotian]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-faced youngster was doing, he asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied little Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Little Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

[kungfumath]

There were three engineers debating the nature of God: a structural engineer, an eletrical engineer, and a civil engineer. While the structural engineer spoke first, each was claiming that God was was an engineer of his own type.

"For verification of this just look at the human body! The skeletal structure is an amazing thing. It moves where it needs to and it is strong everywhere else. Not to mention that it provides shape and stability."

The electrical engineer spoke next.

"No, God is an electrical engineer because regardless of the structure, the body could not operate without the nervous system. This system has used electricity since the inception of life. God HAS to be an electrical engineer."

They both turned to the civil engineer to get his view on this topic. After thinking about the human body for a while, he replied, "You are both wrong. God is a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

[styrafome]

Another one of those...

An engineer, manager, and a programmer are in a car going down a steep mountain road. The brakes fail and the car careens down the road out of control. Halfway down, the driver manages to stop the car by sliding against the embankment, narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all get out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager says, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer says, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer says, "You're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

[xlax999999]

A duck walks into a Store, the clerk greets him and asks if there is anything that he can help him with. The duck blirts out "COOOOooorn" in a loud whiny voice. The clerks tells the duck that he is very sorry but they do not have any corn. The duck storms out of the store

The next day the duck walks into the same store and once again the clerk greets him. The duck juts out his beak and blirts out "CoooOOOOrn". The clerk is a little bemused by this and tells the duck that they do not have any corn. The duck stomps away.

On the next day the duck walks in and is not greeted by the clerk rather the clerk angrily states "Look mister, I have told you twice that we do not have any corn. If you come in here and ask for corn I will nail your beak to the wall. What do you need?" the duck replies with "NAAAAAAaaaaiiiils" The clerk is relieved but states " I'm sorry sir we do not have any nails. Anything else?" The duck shouts "CoooOOOOORn"

[ArcticStones]

First, a few straightforward observations:

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is: BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is: FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: GOLF.

Which, of course, leads us to the inevitable conclusion:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

[ArcticStones]

George was the only one who survived after the yacht sank. For months on end he was stranded on the seemingly deserted island, with no supplies, no spare Bermuda shorts, no cigarettes, nothing. One day he falls asleep on the beach and wakes up to a rhythmic sound that can’t quite place. A gorgeous woman rows up and pulls her boats ashore, while he just sits there dumbfounded. In utter disbelief he finally stutters: “How did you get here? F-f-from where?”

“I rowed from the other side of the island. That’s where I landed after my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing! Boy, you must have been lucky to have the row boat wash up with you.”

“No. I made it from some of the raw materials I found on this island. The stern and sides were carved of eucalyptus and the bottom woven from palm branches, while gum tree branches seemed best suited for the oars.”

“Without tools?!”

“Silly you, of course not. I found an unusual alluvial rock. When I fired it to just the right temperature in my kiln, it melted into workable iron. That’s how I made the tools.”

George was stunned and feeling more and more inept. Fortunately she broke the awkward silence with a gentle smile. “Come, let’s row on over to my place.”

As they neared the shore, his jaw dropped. From the land end of the hand-built pier, a stone path led up to a bungalow amongst the palm trees, not unlike what he’d seen in brochures for luxury Caribbean holidays. She leads the way into the house.

“Would you like something to drink?”

“Sorry, I don’t think I can take any more coconut juice today.”

Without a word, she hands him a glazed blue ceramic cup, filled with the most exquisite tropical juices. They take their time getting acquainted, trading stories. The high alcohol level is gradually giving him a pleasant buzz, almost making him forget time and place. This, of course, does not go unnoticed.

“Hmm, just wait here. I’ll be right back. I just need to slip into something more comfortable.”

When she comes back, she looks even more gorgeous. Her long, new-brushed hair now flows freely over her bare shoulder. She is almost naked except for the large flowers fastened with vines over her firm breasts and below her well-exercised tummy.

She holds out her hand and beckons him to come to her. “Look,” she whispers, combing her fingers slowly through the hair on his chest, “I realize from your story that you’ve had a really hard time, having been shipwrecked here nearly twice as long as me…”

She peers deeply into his eyes, obviously understanding, one hand resting on his thigh. “Tell me, you must have been very lonely. I’m sure there is something you have been longing to do all these months…” After a long pause she adds, “You’re welcome to do it right now.”

George is flabbergasted, not believing what he is hearing. He stammers, “Y-y-you mean I can check my e-mail from here?”

.

[Photek]

okay, its not scientific..... but it would appear that mac users don't have a sense of humor..... myself included